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Thread: punology

  1. #1
    Join Date
    6th July 08
    Location
    Washington DC
    Posts
    1,432

    punology

    I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    When chemists die, they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
    veteran.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met
    herbivore.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

    PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz .

    Energizer bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

    Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she
    couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

    What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

    I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

    What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have
    nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    Velcro - what a rip off!

    Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

    Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

    Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

    I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

    Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
    Geoff Withnell

    "My comrades, they did never yield, for courage knows no bounds."
    No longer subject to reveille US Marine.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    7th February 11
    Location
    London, Canada
    Posts
    5,132
    Just sent them on to my poor family. Thanks!
    Rev'd Father Bill White
    Parish priest, lover of God, people, dogs, joy, & humour. Theologian, student, teacher, leader, administrator, philosopher, dreamer, history enthusiast & traditionalist, bon-vivant, encourager of hearts & souls, & firm believer in the value of dignity, decency, & duty.


  3. #3
    Join Date
    19th May 08
    Location
    Leucadia CA
    Posts
    3,319
    Oh, now you've gone and done it. I had resisted posting these but now the game's on!

    1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

    2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

    3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

    4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

    5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

    6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

    7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

    8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

    9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

    10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

    11 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

    12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

    13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

    14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

    15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

    16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

    17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

    18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

    19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

    20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

    21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

    22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

    23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

    24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

    25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

    26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
    Proudly Duncan [maternal], MacDonald and MacDaniel [paternal].

  4. #4
    Join Date
    14th July 12
    Location
    St. Paul, Minnesota
    Posts
    635
    63 bad plays on words in a row = punishment enough.
    " Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly." - Mae West -

  5. #5
    Join Date
    28th June 11
    Location
    Berkshire, UK
    Posts
    1,210
    to above...
    Martin.
    AKA - The Scouter in a Kilt.
    Proud, but homesick, son of Skye.
    Member of the Clan MacLeod Society (Scotland)

  6. #6
    Join Date
    11th April 10
    Location
    Carmichael, CA
    Posts
    837

    Low brow...high brow.

    Butcher's Wife Backs into Meat Grinder, Disaster.

    And remember, if you're not part of the solution...you're part of the precipitate.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    20th July 05
    Location
    Philadelphia
    Posts
    697
    From "If" by Jack Prelutsky http://www.amazon.com/Pizza-Size-Sun.../dp/0688132359

    If a baseball breaks a window, does it cause the window pain?,
    If an ogre is unhappy, does it utter giant sighs?,
    If it rains upon a lion, do the droplets water mane?,
    If you bleach a bag of garbage, do you turn the garbage pale?,
    If you catch a booby snooping, are you sure the booby pries?,
    If you dream that you are fishing, is your dream of fishing real?,
    If you separate two rabbits, are you really splitting hares?,
    If you sketch an escalator, did you practice drawing stairs?,
    If you tell a horse a story, could it be a pony tale?,
    If you try to wring a lemon, can you hear the lemon peal?,
    If you wish to paint a whistle, will you make the whistle blue?,
    If you're filling in a doughnut, do you make the doughnut whole?,
    If you're followed by a grizzly, do you have a bear behind?,
    If you're posing as a muffin, are you acting out a roll?,
    If you're stuck inside a chimney, do you suffer from the flue?,
    If your conversation sparkles, do you thank your diamond mind?,

    Daft Wullie, ye do hae the brains o a beetle, an Ill fight any scunner who says different!

  8. #8
    Join Date
    14th July 12
    Location
    St. Paul, Minnesota
    Posts
    635
    When asked why he still distilled his whisky over peat, the Scotsman replied, "Laddie, there's no fuel like an old fuel."

    OK, I'll stop now.
    " Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly." - Mae West -

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