Non Kilted Airport Fun

**Mickey** · 5th March 12, 07:39 PM

Some of you may appreciate this.

I was out of town last week for work. Coming home and going through the Jacksonville, FL airport security, there seems to be a big problem with my carry on pack. Pretty sure I know what it is. I'm also gluten free, so traveling can be a big pain so I have to carry my own chow.

Here are the high points of the conversation (keep in mind that I have a wry sense of humor and a very dry delivery:

TSA - (extremely suspicious and slightly twitchy) you have a lot of strange looking blocks in here that appear to be salt based. Before I open this, anything you want to tell me about them?
Me - Probably my hotel soaps. I like to steal hotel soaps.
TSA - (looking at me very suspiciously and sternly, opens bag flap) That's a lot of soap.
Me - I'm a hotel soap klepto. I steal them from maid's carts. It's a bit of a problem.
TSA - Most steal shampoo
TSA 2 - Nononono.. never steal the shampoo. They open and it gets on all your stuff
Me - You got that right.
TSA - You have a LOT of other blocks... What are those?
Me - That would probably be my cheese.
TSA - Your cheese? (with a very suspicious look...pulls out big bag of cheese blocks) That's a lot of cheese.
Me - I like cheese.
TSA - And these? (with a very odd look...pulls out a few sleeves of Snickers bars). That's a lot of Snickers.
Me - I like Snickers even more than cheese.
TSA 2 - (starts chuckling madly)
TSA - Get out of here (shaking head in wonder)

Next leg of trip home, Atlanta. I'm in the last boarding round and thanks to LIMP &^& JERKS who bring 3 giant carry ons, I had to check my carry on bag cuz there is no more overhead room. Don't dare check my bigass work laptop, so I pull that out, along with a book, and my bottle of water. This quickly proves to be quite tedious to lug around loose, so I find a cheap little girls bag in Brookstone for 15 bucks. It's all they have that is cheap and I figure my daughter can use it when I get home. It's far more pastel yet neon than the pic can possibly portray.

I stuff my things in it, throw it over my shoulder, and make it 50 feet and who do I run into? A very imposing guy in high boots, long black cargo shorts, black shirt, flamboyant black jacket, black fingerless gloves and black eye patch. I know this guy. It's Andrew Dice Clay. I get to talking with him and his eyes keep dropping to this manly bag and finally he starts to smirk and snicker. All I could say was.... "Don't Ask"... So there's the highlight of my week. Hanging out with the Diceman while rocking this bad boy... The song going through my head is Shania Twain's, "Man... I feel like a woman". BTW, the Diceman rocks. Super nice guy and the genuine article. What you see is what you get. A real character who truly appreciates his fans. (Cleaning gal came by afterwards and told me that he is a regular through there and a big favorite among the crew.. gotta love a celebrity like that). Just wish I'd had my real bag and been kilted...

Would have taken a pic of him, but my phone was down to a smidge of a bar of battery power and I needed all I could get in case the wife had trouble picking me up at the airport.

**azwildcat96** · 5th March 12, 07:56 PM

Too funny.

**brewerpaul** · 5th March 12, 08:14 PM

Always love a good airport security story. Pre 911 when security was less intense I always seemed to set the Seattle alarms off no matter what. Just to spite them I was going to get studded leather undies and make them search me.

This past summer climbing I had 6LB, or two large ziplock bags of home made granola. It is held tight together with peanut butter, honey and molassas. It took a bit of talking, two or three passes under xray and a drug scan to make them realize I didnt have drugs or C4. Isnt flying always fun.

Cant say though that Ive had the fortune of sitting next to a celeb.

**Mickey** · 5th March 12, 08:22 PM

You got that right, brewer.

btw, Any way I can convince you to share that granola recipe, either here or PM? Sounds great and right in my wheelhouse!

**brewerpaul** · 5th March 12, 10:30 PM

Originally Posted by Mickey

You got that right, brewer.

btw, Any way I can convince you to share that granola recipe, either here or PM? Sounds great and right in my wheelhouse!

Ive got Jennifer, my gf, writing it up for me. It is quite delicious and Ill be glad to share it with the group here.

**ohiopiper** · 5th March 12, 11:37 PM

Try flying with a set of bagpipes and convincing TSA it isn't a very expensive ivory and silver mounted pipe bomb. I usually get the one who wants to play Dirty Harry, with his more realistic and grounded associate shaking his head. Head shaker is the one who eventually lets me get on the plane. Every time.

And the stories I could tell about flying commercial in my former occupation... Lets' just say that if TSA had been around then, I'd have witnessed the implosion of a LOT of overloaded brains trying to cope with my checked luggage.

**madmacs** · 6th March 12, 04:45 AM

...that is just sooooooooooooo your colour(s)...

**auld argonian** · 6th March 12, 06:35 AM

Originally Posted by madmacs

...that is just sooooooooooooo your colour(s)...

Yeah...I want to see the tartan you get to go with that...would that be the Clan My Little Pony tartan?

Glad to see you making the TSA's day a little more interesting....and Andrew Dice Clay...the guy can be a fantastic actor when he has to be but I figger that casting people have been scared of his Diceman persona so they skip over him...pity because he'd be good in some other roles. Glad to hear that he's a right guy.

Best

AA