Canadian Humour.

[Lallans]

Probably you have to be here:



OH! Canada


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000. Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada .
4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick .
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle.

Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
· Californians shiver uncontrollably.
· Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
· Italian Cars won't start
· Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0° C)
· American water freezes
· Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
· New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
· Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
· Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
· Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-109.9° Fahrenheit (-78.5° C)
· Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
· Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
· Ethyl alcohol freezes.
· Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-459.67° Fahrenheit (-273.15° C)
· Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
· Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
· Hell freezes over.

· The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley

[gary meakin]

Very good (especially the Toronto Mapleleafs part)

[Lallans]

Very good (especially the Toronto Mapleleafs part)

It's funny because it's true.

[Oldhiker]

good ones, eh!

I appreciate my trips to Canada except the US/Canadian border expereince.

[Biathlonman]

It is brilliant, but the crime in Toronto isn't near as bad the list suggests, thankfully. You can still walk just about anywhere here, and at night too. So come on up, my American friends.

Other insights are so true you have to be a Canadian to get them.

[ohiopiper]

Every experience I've had at the Canadian border has ended the same way. It's so ironic that you have to laugh.

Going to Canada: (where we're NOT citizens)
Canadian border guard peeks head inside window. "Where you going, eh?" We say "Vacation to the falls/Toronto/where ever we're headed at the moment"
"Alright, have a good time, eh?" while looking quickly at our I.D.

Coming back to U.S.: (where we ARE citizens)
I won't take time to type it. Just go watch a Dirty Harry movie. Yes officer, you caught me. I went to the Hard Rock Cafe' and Niagara Falls on a training mission. The Mighty Canadians are planning to sweep down from the Frozen North and subjugate us all. I am their willing servant. They promised to let me stay south of the Arctic Circle. I am teaching them how to not say "Eh" at the end of every sentence, eh. Damn. Busted again.

Do you Canadians get the reverse? Hassled going back to Canada?

[Spartan Tartan]

I may be from Michigan, but got a pretty good laugh from this Thanks!

[Kilted Canadian]

Best laught I've had in a long time! Thanks for this.

[artificer]

gods bless the Canuks. They are some of the nicest people I've ever met (especially compared to ANY big US city). I've got a fist-full of mates from my last job I still talk to (+5yrs ago), and they're just the best.

Of course, nearly all your jokes are true (as all the best ones are).

I really feel like I should go visit some pals out on N. America's left coast.

BTW: Just what IS up with Manitoba? It's like the US's 'grain belt' only with killer winters, and the whole 'REALLY polite' thing.

[Jay]

Every experience I've had at the Canadian border has ended the same way. It's so ironic that you have to laugh.

Going to Canada: (where we're NOT citizens)
Canadian border guard peeks head inside window. "Where you going, eh?" We say "Vacation to the falls/Toronto/where ever we're headed at the moment"
"Alright, have a good time, eh?" while looking quickly at our I.D.

Coming back to U.S.: (where we ARE citizens)
I won't take time to type it. Just go watch a Dirty Harry movie. Yes officer, you caught me. I went to the Hard Rock Cafe' and Niagara Falls on a training mission. The Mighty Canadians are planning to sweep down from the Frozen North and subjugate us all. I am their willing servant. They promised to let me stay south of the Arctic Circle. I am teaching them how to not say "Eh" at the end of every sentence, eh. Damn. Busted again.

Do you Canadians get the reverse? Hassled going back to Canada?

the difference is, your border guards are part of national security.

Our border guards work for the tax man. They don't give a hoot who comes it, as long as they pay their taxes and duties.