Jokes that only work in Scotland

**Tony** · 29th November 10, 06:39 PM

found on the net - a couple of these might only work in Glasgow.

> A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
> "Govan," she replies.

> What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

> A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
> "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
> "That's affa deer," says the guy.

> Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.
>
> After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

> What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

> How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

> Aman takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
> "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

> What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

> What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

> What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

> While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
> "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
> "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
> "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

> Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

> A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

>Woman walks into a bakers points to a cake and asks "Is that a donut or a meringue?". Baker replies "No, you're right missus".