0 Calm <1 knots: Flags and kilts hang vertically. Smoke rises vertically.
1 Light air 1-2 knots: All kilts hang vertically. Wind felt on face only. Smoke drift indicates wind direction. Flags move occasionally. Wind vanes are not moving.
2 Light breeze 3-6 knots: Light kilts rustle while tanks hang vertically. Wind felt on arms and back of knees. Leaves rustle and wind vanes begin to move.
3 Gentle breeze 7-10 knots: Light kilts in constant motion. Tanks begin to rustle. Leaves and twigs constantly moving, light flags extended.
4 Moderate breeze 11-15 knots: Light kilts becoming problematic, one hand needed to maintain modesty. Tanks in constant motion. Wind felt on cheeks. Dust and loose paper are raised. Small branches begin to move.
5 Fresh breeze 16-20 knots: Light kilts nearly useless. Twigs and berries rustle. Tank wearers may need one hand to maintain modesty. Small trees in leaf begin to sway.
6 Strong breeze 21-26 knots: Light kilts extended. Only the most adept tank wearer can maintain modestly whilst deploying an umbrella. Large branches in motion, whistling heard in overhead wires.
7 High wind 27-33 knots: Tanks nearly useless. Twigs and berries in constant motion. Whistling heard from upwind female observers. Whole trees in motion. Effort needed to walk against wind.
8 Fresh gale 34-40 knots: Tanks fully extended, Velcro kilts rip off. Cars veer on road due to gusts; progress on foot is seriously impeded.
9 Strong gale 41-47 knots: Twigs and berries fully extended. Cars veer due to glare from white skin and flying Velcro kilts. Some branches break off trees and small trees are uprooted.
10 Storm 48-55 knots: All kilties safely in pub. Velcro kilties offered towels to wear. Internet checked for incriminating photos. Many claims of shrinkage. Award given for whitest cheeks.
11-12 Violent storm and Hurricane >56 knots: Not applicable to kilties.
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