Lawyers

[tpa]

> > These are from a book called Disorder in the
> American Courts, and are things people actually said in
> court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
> reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these
> exchanges were actually taking place.
> > -----------------------
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, my husband says I just lie there.
> >
> ------------------------------------------------------------
> ---
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
> impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis you have, does it
> affect your memory at all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
> memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something you forgot?
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
> to you that morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, 'Where are you Cathy?'
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan!
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved in voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
> person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
> next morning?
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > ____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,
> how old is he?
> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
> taken?
> > WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
> was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uh.... I guess I was having sex!
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different
> attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death.
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated
> it?
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > WITNESS: You guess.
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
> pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
> attorney?
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
> you performed on dead people?
> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
> people. Would you like to rephrase that?
> > _____________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
> school did you go to?
> > WITNESS: Oral.
> > ______________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
> the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
> why I was doing an autopsy on him!
> > ____________________________________________
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that
> question?
> > _______________________ _______________
> >
> > --- And the best for last: ---
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
> did you check for a pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
> was alive when you began the autopsy?
> > WITNESS: No.
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
> a jar.
> > ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
> been alive, nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
> alive and practicing law.

[Steve of Lansing]

Man, I don't even know what to say! Though, I wouldn't be surprised to find that one of them is now a manager, where I work.

[Father Bill]

Read them before, but Liesel and just sat here choking while I re-read them. I guess you can't legislate intelligence!

Thanks for posting.

[bigdad1]

My youngest daughter is getting ready to start law school. Up to now I have been proud of her.

[Chirs]

My youngest daughter is getting ready to start law school. Up to now I have been proud of her.

Fortunately, one doesn't need to be that daft to be a lawyer, although it may help to smooth the transition.

[True Blue]

During law school all I did was bash lawyers. One of my professors threw up his hands one time and asked why I was in law school. I replied: "I'm trying to improve the breed...."

True Blue...Esq.

[bdkilted]

Laughed until I cried. Thanks

[jgcunningham]

Supposed to be true:

Lawyer: Ma'am, are the two men who stole your purse and ran away with it in the courtroom today? (Raises his hand high and looks around the courtroom.)

Defendants raise their hands high too.

Defense Attorney: Your honor, my clients need to change their plea of "not guilty" to "guilty".


AND

What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer on the highway?

The skidmarks in front of the skunk.

[Geoff Withnell]

A friend of mine who worked in a law office showed me this one.

At a party, one party-goer called another an a55ho1e. The second fellow took offense, and later sued for slander. the defense offered was:

In the social circles involved, the offensive term has two meanings.
1. A void surrounded by a sphincter muscle.
2. A person who does not properly behave according to the customs of civilized society.

Our affirmative defense in that the plaintiff, by definition number 2, is, was, and remains to date, an
a55ho1e!

[Southern Breeze]

I needed a good laugh this week. Thanks for posting it.



Q. Why are most lawyers buried twelve feet deep rather than the usual six feet?

A. Deep down, they're actually nice people.