Paraprosdokians

[Lallans]

This of course is from a currently circulating email. I'm never sure which of these to post, since it's always possible I might be the last to see something that's been going around for 30 years or so- but there's a pile of humour here so here we go....


A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a phrase is unexpected and causes the reader to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Enjoy!

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

7. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

8. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

9. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

11. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

12. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

13. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

14. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

15. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

16. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

17. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

18. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

19. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

20. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

21. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

22. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

23. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

24. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

25. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

26. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

27. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

28. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

29. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

30. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

31. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

32. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

33. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

34. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

35. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

36. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

37. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

38. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

39. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

40. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

41. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

42. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

43. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

44. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

45. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

46. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

[piperdbh]

This of course is from a currently circulating email. I'm never sure which of these to post, since it's always possible I might be the last to see something that's been going around for 30 years or so- but there's a pile of humour here so here we go....

You've had email for 30 years?

[Lallans]

You've had email for 30 years?

I hate to tell you, or anyone, this but....

[Spc. Scott]

You've had email for 30 years?

Check this jazz out! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ARPANET

[Lallans]

OK, I'm nae so old that I was on the original Arpanet. I think.

"Would you like to play Global Thermonuclear War, Doctor Lightman?"

[Woodsman]

Thanks for sharing. I'm sitting here reading them and laughing my kilt off.

[Maclachlan]

I got my first email address while using ARCnet in the US Air Force back in the early 80s. My original work station (see #14 above) was an IBM TB 8088. That said, if you were using ARPANet then I feel young!

[ForresterModern]

Great stuff cousin!


I am old enough to remember at least getting my first email account and having to use a DOS function to access it, until this wonderful program called Internet Explorer was developed and released, maybe 20 years ago, and around the time Windows was first being released. I also remember when it was obligatory to type the "www." in front of every address, and when there was actually a "www2." series of expanded web addresses for many places.

A Grouch Marxism that fits the definition I think:

"I would never join a club that would have me as a member."

My meager contribution.

[McFarkus]

Some of these are brilliant!!

[lethearen]

I am old enough to remember at least getting my first email account and having to use a DOS function to access it, until this wonderful program called Internet Explorer was developed and released, maybe 20 years ago, and around the time Windows was first being released.

I didn't even get to use DOS. I had to hack into a Unix terminal...