punology

[Geoff Withnell]

I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met
herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have
nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[Father Bill]

Just sent them on to my poor family. Thanks!

[sydnie7]

Oh, now you've gone and done it. I had resisted posting these but now the game's on!

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

[MNlad]

63 bad plays on words in a row = punishment enough.

[Laird_M]

*** to above...

[McElmurry]

Butcher's Wife Backs into Meat Grinder, Disaster.

And remember, if you're not part of the solution...you're part of the precipitate.

[Tony]

From "If" by Jack Prelutsky http://www.amazon.com/Pizza-Size-Sun.../dp/0688132359

If a baseball breaks a window, does it cause the window pain?,
If an ogre is unhappy, does it utter giant sighs?,
If it rains upon a lion, do the droplets water mane?,
If you bleach a bag of garbage, do you turn the garbage pale?,
If you catch a booby snooping, are you sure the booby pries?,
If you dream that you are fishing, is your dream of fishing real?,
If you separate two rabbits, are you really splitting hares?,
If you sketch an escalator, did you practice drawing stairs?,
If you tell a horse a story, could it be a pony tale?,
If you try to wring a lemon, can you hear the lemon peal?,
If you wish to paint a whistle, will you make the whistle blue?,
If you're filling in a doughnut, do you make the doughnut whole?,
If you're followed by a grizzly, do you have a bear behind?,
If you're posing as a muffin, are you acting out a roll?,
If you're stuck inside a chimney, do you suffer from the flue?,
If your conversation sparkles, do you thank your diamond mind?,

[MNlad]

When asked why he still distilled his whisky over peat, the Scotsman replied, "Laddie, there's no fuel like an old fuel."

OK, I'll stop now.