Ted waited too long to fill out his census form. One day a census taker named Bill showed up at Ted’s home. Ted invited Bill inside and they began going through the ten “simple” questions.

Bill: What is your declared ethnicity?
Ted: Primarily Britannic-American

Bill: Who are the Britannic-Americans?
Ted: Decedents of emigrants from the British Isles to America.

Bill: The British Isles…oh so your English.
Ted: No I am a citizen of the United States of America.

Bill: But you were born in England?
Ted: No, I was born in Idaho.

Bill: So you’re a Buckeye.
Ted: No, that’s Ohio...I’m a Vandal

Bill: You’re a Vandal ethnically?
Ted: No, I am, or was, a Vandal athletically.

Bill: Athletically?
Ted: Yes…the pole vault.

Bill: Ah ha, so you’re Polish…just kidding. Let’s try again. Your ancestors are from the British Isles.
Ted: Mostly, yes, England, Scotland, Wales, and Ireland.

Bill: But Ireland isn’t British.
Ted: In know that but I was using British Isles in the broader geographic sense. Would it help if I said IONA?

Bill: Oh, Iona, that is a beautiful island I took a ferry there once from Oban.
Ted: Not Iona the island, I.O.N.A, Islands of the North Atlantic.

Bill: You mean Iceland?
Ted: No, I mean Britain and Ireland and a bunch of other islands that make up the Atlantic Archipelago.

Bill: What about the Falkland Islands, aren’t they a British Archipelago in the Atlantic?
Ted: No, I do not have any ancestors from the Falklands.

Bill: OK, let me get this straight. Your ancestors are mostly from the British Isles which includes the current countries of Britain and Ireland. But your surname is Germanic?
Ted: Yes, my surname is Germanic.

Bill: So you have an ancestor from Germany?
Ted: No, he was from Frankfurt.

Bill: But Frankfurt is in Germany.
Ted: Well it is now but it wasn’t when he left.

Bill: You mean they moved it?
Ted: No, when he left Frankfurt in 1750 it was part of the Holy Roman Empire.

Bill: So he was Catholic?
Ted: No he was Moravian.

Bill: From Czechoslovakia?
Ted: Noooo……… from Frankfurt.

Bill: Germany?
Ted: Ok yes from what is now Germany.

Bill: Then why did you say he was from Moravia?
Ted: I didn’t. You asked me if he was Catholic and I said no he was Moravian.

Bill: Is Moravian a religion?
Ted: Yes.

Bill: What denomination?
Ted: None.

Bill: What do you mean none?
Ted: I mean it is non-denominational.

Bill: Can they do that?
Ted: Apparently.

Bill: OK, so your father’s name is Germanic. What about your mother’s maiden name?
Ted: It’s Irish.

Bill: So why did you say you were British?
Ted: I didn’t. I said I was primarily Britannic-American and it seemed more precise at the time.

Bill: How can it be more precise if you’re Irish?
Ted: They were from Ulster, The Ards, County Down.

Bill: Is Ulster in Ireland?
Ted: Yes, but two thirds of Ulster is in the UK, Northern Ireland, they’re British.

Bill: Oooooh…Nooooorthern Ireland. So what religion are you.
Ted: I’m Presbyterian.

Bill: So your ancestors were Scots-Irish?
Ted: Well yes and no.

Bill: Are you sure you’re not African American? Lots of Scots-Irish in the USA are African American.
Ted: Do I look African American?

Bill: Well you only need one drop.
Ted: What do you mean I only need one drop?

Bill: There is a one drop rule. One drop of African blood and you’re African American.
Ted: No, I don’t know of any African ancestors but I am three one-hundred-and-twenty-eighths Chickasaw.

Bill: That’s not enough to be Native American.
Ted: What about Hispanic?

Bill: Are you Hispanic?
Ted: Not that I know of.

Bill: Well it doesn’t matter Hispanics are white.
Ted: Well if Hispanics are white what am I?

Bill: You’re non-Hispanic white.
Ted: That doesn’t seem to capture the flavor of my ancestry very well.

Bill: Well what do you want to be?
Ted: I want to be Scottish.

Bill: You can’t be Scottish.
Ted: Why not?

Bill: Because you’re not Scottish
Ted: Yes I am.

Bill: What clan?
Ted: Morrison.

Bill: You said they were Irish.
Ted: Well Norse-Gael in Ulster that’s practically Scottish.

Bill: Not good enough.
Ted: Ok my Great Grandmother on my Dad’s side was a Crichton. My ancestors kept the hounds at Crichton Castle.

Bill: Sounds like a bit of a stretch to me.
Ted: I am invoking the one drop rule.

Bill: There is no one drop rule for Scottish.
Ted: I am invoking the Burns corollary to the one drop rule.

Bill: You just made that up.
Ted: No I didn’t.

Bill: Yes you did, I never heard of it.
Ted: The Burns corollary applies to anyone with one drop of Scottish blood born on January 25 and that is my birthday.

Bill: I don’t like it one bit.
Ted: It’s either Scottish or Britannic-American.

Bill: Well Britannic-American is just silly. OK I guess you can be Scottish. You know you’re the seventh one today. Why does everyone want to be Scottish?