A Christmas Story

[Southern Breeze]

When four of Santa's elves got sick,the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit,which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, He found that three of them were about to give birth
and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh,one of the floorboards cracked,the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of Scotch.

When he went to the cupboard,he discovered the elves had drank all the Scotch

In his frustration,he accidentally dropped the empty bottle,
and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and a very irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully,
'Merry Christmas, Santa.Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[BroosterB1]

I can always count on Xmarks to bring a good laugh! Thank You for the story! You gotta know how close to home this one was this week!

[auld argonian]

Santa's gonna get ya' fer that one!

...funny, though...

Best

AA

[be da veva]

[Southern Breeze]

Southern Wise Men
In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"




Barbie's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your bacon every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Channel at sappy tea parties.

I hate to break it to ya Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it.

These are my demands for Christmas 2008:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy-toy Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HELLO!?
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher don't cut it. I want to make real money.
8. A new persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. Mattel stock options. I think I deserve a piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it you can find yourself a new girl for next Christmas. It's that simple. As ever,

Barbie

[LANCER1562]

Somebody's going to get a lump of coal in his stocking for Christmas.

[Arlen]

I love these. I'd never heard any of them before and they're just great. Thank you!

[Southern Breeze]

Missing Elf

[Southern Breeze]

A few more to help get you in the holiday spirit. Feel free to add your own pics, toons etc.

[Jack Daw]

When four of Santa's elves got sick,the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit,which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, He found that three of them were about to give birth
and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh,one of the floorboards cracked,the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of Scotch.

When he went to the cupboard,he discovered the elves had drank all the Scotch

In his frustration,he accidentally dropped the empty bottle,
and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and a very irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully,
'Merry Christmas, Santa.Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

This is what happens to givers like Santa. Those around him learn to take and take and take. Instead of taking his frustrations out on an innocent angel, he should have long before invested in some canes from Singapore and some barbed leather whips and gone to town on those candy-**** elves and reindeer to set 'em straight.