I confess it...I wear a schmipp

**Alan H** · 24th January 06, 01:04 AM

Yes, I do. It's called a schmipp. schmipp. The word is tranlated from the Gaotruct language in the fourteenth century to mean, roughly "one who feeds the ducks stale bread", after the habit in Gaotructland, of that unique practice at that time....according to the best known source, which of course is in doubt since the only surviving historical reference is in fact some etchings in my attic.

It's made of cloth in a bunch of patterns called fumbwutts. Well, the traditional ones are called fumbwutts. The modern ones are called fumblatts, and there's the Royal Society of Fumb to keep track of them all because it's terriblycomplicated. There are scavenging fumbwutts and ancient fumbwutts, faded fumbwutts and the well-known Royal Fumbwutt. The ancient fumbwutts are derived from an historical garment, known in the distant past as a fumbwuttishottenbooten.

The really non-traditional ones are sometimes called wangtwiddles, except that some of them are actually made in solid colors.

A schmipp is a very unique garment. It has an over-wupp and and under-wupp, which lie across the frontside of the wearer.. It has boocles and schtrappesschoootenbooten which hold the over-wupp and the under-wupp across one another. However, some over more modern schmipps...or "pseudo-schmipps" as some traditionalists like to call them are actually held on by interlaying layers of bellcrow.

Well, not to get specific, here, but around the backside of the schmipp you'll find a lot of queets, which are folds in the cloth put in by the builder who MUST live in the ancestral homeland of Gaotructland, have sacrificed all chances of reproduction in order to be properly trained in the manufacture of schmipps, and besides is really, really ugly.

I have to say this...so you all listen to to what I say because I'M RIGHT and it has to be THIS WAY and NO OTHER.

A schmipp that doesn't have a traditional fumbwutt, if it doesn't have perfectly formed over-wupps and under-wupps...if there aren't boocles and schtrappesschoootenbooten (that horrible bellcrow stuff)... and if the queets aren't all queeted to the fumbwutt...WELL

*huff*

then it's not a schmipp.

......and I don't want to hear nothing about any new fancy-pantalones language, to describe this stuff, either, or have any words like "queet" used in ANY other context.

*********************

The above, in case you weren't sure, is delivered much tongue in cheek, in the spirit of .... Let's not get too terribly lost in the language or too dogmatic, because whatever we choose to wrap around our ****(s) to preserve our societal decency as well as keep our nether regions warm, if we're here, we're by definiton of 99% of the rest of society, WEIRD.

Just like me.

So.

**Kilteado** · 24th January 06, 01:30 AM

Brilliant!!

How to recognise a true schmipp from a faked made-in-china schmipp?

**Southern Breeze** · 24th January 06, 01:43 AM

Awsome!

**ByDand** · 24th January 06, 05:26 AM

That is Great Alan. However it is scary that at 7:25 AM, I understood every word

??: What a way to start the day! Thanks Alan :grin:

**Moosehead** · 24th January 06, 05:52 AM

Seems, Alan, that you have much too much time on your hands.

**davedove** · 24th January 06, 06:25 AM

I'll have you know I have ancestors who were proud Gaotruct warriors and take great pride in wearing my ancestral garment, the schmipp. All of these so called modern schmipps are poor imitations of a proud garment, and are never worn by true Gaotructmen.;)

This is great Alan.

Dave ... I just have to get a schmipp in my family fumbwutt.

**Riverkilt** · 24th January 06, 08:38 AM

You're just the man to help me Alan.

Was feeding the ducks my old bread yesterday (In the time honored fashion, followed all the rituals perfectly, thank you), but when I'd finished and turned to head home I slipped on a big pile of duck poop and fell on it full force with my massive bum.

The weight of my tail end, and the momentum gained on the way down, forced the duck poop deep into the fabric of the backside of my schimpp. With that duck goo being vegetable matter it seems to have worked like a die and I'm having trouble getting the new color out of the fabric.

I've tried all the usual stain removers, soaking, leaving it under running cold water, there's still a noticeable discoloration.

The only answer I can think of now is to gather as much duck poop as I can, put it in a tub, and soak the entire schimpp in it so the color is the same throughout. In fact, I'm thinking of doing that as sort of a badge of experience....I would think that in ancient times other duck feeders would have surely slipped too and a similarly collored shimpp would be the mark of an experienced and most reverent duck feeder....

Ron

P.S. I'm thinking of using a rubber mallet to duplicate the force of my bum to drive the duck goo well into the fabric. Might not take on the same hue without that extra force. I think I can kneel over the tub, inside the shower curtain, and hose the mess down pretty easily after I'm done thunking the duck poop into the fabric.

**mddock58** · 24th January 06, 08:45 AM

Ron,
Makes me think of the gaggles of Canada Geese here in the east!

**mbhandy** · 26th January 06, 09:33 AM

Originally Posted by Riverkilt

P.S. I'm thinking of using a rubber mallet to duplicate the force of my bum to drive the duck goo well into the fabric. Might not take on the same hue without that extra force. I think I can kneel over the tub, inside the shower curtain, and hose the mess down pretty easily after I'm done thunking the duck poop into the fabric.

Was thing about this last night and all I have to say is "Nasty".

MrBill