Looking for a Funny Burns Poem ( Preferably about the lassies )

[Bart_In_A_Kilt]

We have a Kilt night slated for April 6, and organizers are asking for a poem from me to recite that night. Any suggestions?

I am not familiar with Burns works.

[Standard]

I used to have a site bookmarked that had many "Toast to the Lasses" poems posted. I'll try to find it for you.

[McMurdo]

Well there are many funny Burns poems, though I'm trying to find one that is not too long, perhaps

To A Louse

On Seeing One On A Lady's Bonnet, At Church
1786

Ha! whaur ye gaun, ye crowlin ferlie?
Your impudence protects you sairly;
I canna say but ye strunt rarely,
Owre gauze and lace;
Tho', faith! I fear ye dine but sparely
On sic a place.

Ye ugly, creepin, blastit wonner,
Detested, shunn'd by saunt an' sinner,
How daur ye set your fit upon her-
Sae fine a lady?
Gae somewhere else and seek your dinner
On some poor body.

Swith! in some beggar's haffet squattle;
There ye may creep, and sprawl, and sprattle,
Wi' ither kindred, jumping cattle,
In shoals and nations;
Whaur horn nor bane ne'er daur unsettle
Your thick plantations.

Now haud you there, ye're out o' sight,
Below the fatt'rels, snug and tight;
Na, faith ye yet! ye'll no be right,
Till ye've got on it-
The verra tapmost, tow'rin height
O' Miss' bonnet.

My sooth! right bauld ye set your nose out,
As plump an' grey as ony groset:
O for some rank, mercurial rozet,
Or fell, red smeddum,
I'd gie you sic a hearty dose o't,
Wad dress your droddum.

I wad na been surpris'd to spy
You on an auld wife's flainen toy;
Or aiblins some bit dubbie boy,
On's wyliecoat;
But Miss' fine Lunardi! fye!
How daur ye do't?

O Jeany, dinna toss your head,
An' set your beauties a' abread!
Ye little ken what cursed speed
The blastie's makin:
Thae winks an' finger-ends, I dread,
Are notice takin.

O wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!
It wad frae mony a blunder free us,
An' foolish notion:
What airs in dress an' gait wad lea'e us,
An' ev'n devotion!
*********************************


You could go to this site
http://www.robertburns.org/

[pdcorlis]

Good suggestion Glen, of course there are also a number bawdy Burns poems best not recited in mixed company...

[Bart_In_A_Kilt]

I think Id like to try a toast to the Lasses. Is there more than one?

[Phil]

Burns is not short of poems about lasses. How about the Bonnie Lass O Ballochmyle?

Fair is the morn in flow'ry May,
And sweet is night in autumn mild,
When roving thro' the garden gay,
Or wand'ring in the lonely wild;
But woman nature's darling child
There all her charms she does compile;
E'en there her other works are foil'd
By the bonnie lass O' Ballochmyle.

Chorus:
The bonnie lass O' Ballochmyle
The bonnie lass!
The bonnie, bonnie lass!
The bonnie lass O' Ballochmyle.

2. O had she been a country maid,
And I the happy country swain,
Tho' shelter'd in the lowest shed
That ever rose on Scotland's plain!
Thro' weary winter's wind and rain,
Withjoy, with rapture, I would toil;
And nightly to my bosom strain,
The bonnie lass O' Ballochmyle.

Chorus:
The bonnie lass O' Ballochmyle
The bonnie lass!
The bonnie, bonnie lass!
The bonnie lass O' Ballochmyle.

[Phil]

I'm not sure "Nine inch shall please a lady" is entirely appropriate for this forum. Here is one that is less racy but the images are hilarious -

Twa Wives
(Robert Burns)

There was twa wives, and twa witty wives,
As e'er play'd houghmagandie,
And they coost oot, upon a time, - coost oot: fell out
Out o'er a drink o brandy;
Up Maggie rose, and forth she goes,
An she leaves auld Mary flytin, - flytin: scolding, swearing
And she farted by the byre-en' - Byre-en: end of the cowshed
For she was gaun a shiten.

She farted by the byre-en',
She farted by the stable;
And thick and nimble were her steps
As fast as she was able:
Till at yon dyke-back the hurly brak, - hurly: thunder, rushing water; brak: broke
But raxin for some dockins, - raxin: reaching; dockins: broad-leaved plant
The beans and pease cam down her thighs,
And she cackit a' her stockins. - cackit: dirtied

[macwilkin]

The Henpecked Husband is always good, especially when at a gents/stag Burns Night.

Regards,

Todd