Cat's view of human beings

[Nighthawk]

In response to the wisdom of dogs thread, I thought perhaps the thoughts of a more... dignified... creature should also be posted. So here the are:


1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing
so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have
acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures.
There will be any number of times, during the course of your
association with humans, when you will wonder why you have
bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang
around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have
struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer
is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening
doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing
television stations and other activities that we, despite
our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves.
True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable
thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.



2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more
important activities than taking care of your immediate
needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their
families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this
work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment
it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will
do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its
hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same
practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human
to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper
in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is
more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to
lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp
product at every opportunity. This practice also works well
with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small
children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between
3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping
face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it
will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want.
You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their
attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human
from getting suspicious.



3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human
will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme
circumstances, you may have to punish your human.
Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating
household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated
humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try
to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but
nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner, or
even better utilize the indoor planters instead.
* Locate the cleanest vehicle in the driveway and walk
all over it. This is particularly effective if it has rained
very recently.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting
a romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment
and feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing
horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back
away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.



4.Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting
humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled
animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already
dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring
cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy
and playful movements in picking the creatures up after
they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend
the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs,
lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should
be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents,
your neighbor's Pomeranian) are better still living. When
you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know
it's worth it.



5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives.
The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching,
though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are
worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do
you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs
will only take you so far.



This picture was taken a little more than 2 years ago. Momma cat is my Dingbat, and the wee one is my little lady Barbossa (notice the black eye patch- hence the pirate name). She's my familiar- and I'm typing one-handed because of her! Darn cat...

[sydnie7]

Thank you for those hairba. . . err, pearls of wisdom!

We've long known that we are merely staff to the fur folk who grace us with their presence.

[Bugbear]

That's funny.

[slohairt]

That was great! Cats ROCK!

[Catdad]

Very well written and oh so true!

[butch]

I used da not be a cat person now I are one." They have taken complete control. They have learned that for a little entertainment from them, my wife and I will do anything for them. " Oh I have gone over to the dark side"

[Catdad]

I used da not be a cat person now I are one." They have taken complete control. They have learned that for a little entertainment from them, my wife and I will do anything for them. " Oh I have gone over to the dark side"

And the problem here is....?

[Mr. Kilt]

I have always been a cat person. I've had our two cats since they were both 5 or 6 weeks old. One is now 16, the other 11. The 16 y/o is diabetic and I've spent enough money on him in the past 4 years to buy ten 8-yd tanks. I'd do it again in a heartbeat, he's my baby.

[CooperWallace]

Very good!

[Catdad]

Since we are talking about our furry children here, here's the text of a great email my wife just sent me a few minutes ago...

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.

(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.

(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children