Request to wear kilt at funeral - but I don't want to!

[Tobus]

I found out yesterday that a friend of mine passed away the previous morning. He was right around my age, perhaps just a few years older. His heart just stopped beating while he slept. We're still reeling from the news and trying to understand how it could have happened (most likely he took too many pain medications, as he had back problems from a car accident).

Anyway, his funeral is tomorrow morning. His widow wants people to wear bright colours (she is adamant about no black being worn) such as tie-dyed shirts and pastel colours. He often wore bright colours, and she wants to honour him that way. She even stated specifically that I should wear my kilt, since it's colourful.

The problem is, I really don't want to. I just think it would be weird in this context. In my small rural Texas town, it would automatically make me the center of attention, and I don't think that's appropriate. Basically, my mindset is usually that funerals are not the place to dress in a manner where people will leave and talk about what you wore later, even if it's in a positive way. Plus, I don't even think I had ever worn the kilt around him, so it's not like he necessarily liked my kilt or even knew what it looked like. His widow has seen me in it, though, and thinks it's great (she's from England and has more appreciation for it than the locals would, I think).

So, what should I do? This is one of the rare cases where I'm actually NOT looking for an excuse to wear the kilt when its appropriateness is questionable. I'm actually looking for an excuse not to wear it. I just don't want to hurt her feelings or disappoint her expectations. I'm heavily leaning towards just wearing khaki trousers and a brightly coloured buttoned shirt. I'd wear a tartan tie, but I think she's trying to discourage any 'dressing up' as well.

What would you do in this scenario?

[TheBrus]

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I think a quiet word with her, telling her how you feel--giving the reasons above--would be best. I know funerals are for the living, but you're right about not wanting to attract undue attention.

[Chas]

Funerals are not for the dead - they are for those of us that are left behind. In this case the widow. She is going to carry on living and knowing you. It is what she wants - do it.

Regards

Chas

[rondo]

Funerals are not for the dead - they are for those of us that are left behind. In this case the widow. She is going to carry on living and knowing you. It is what she wants - do it.

Regards

Chas

I absolutely agree 100% with this. A funeral is for those that remain. The widow has requested bright colors and for you to be kilted specifically...if it were me I would honor her request. You might chose more subdued accessories to tone down some if you wish.

In my circles Wakes are common...we celebrate the life of the deceased, we drink, tell stories, reminisce, sing. It sounds like the widow may have similar feelings.

Rondo

[JSFMACLJR]

Post deleted.

[Zardoz]

perhaps this "Funerals are not for the dead " could be seen as an attack, however mild and unintended, on one's religion, and might be contrary to the Forum rules and regs. Just saying.

Since you were the first person to try and turn this thread to a religious issue, I'd guess you would be the one running contrary to the rules.

[creagdhubh]

Since you were the first person to try and turn this thread to a religious issue, I'd guess you would be the one running contrary to the rules.

Let's remain cordial and polite to oneanother, and let us remember the basis of this thread. We all have our own perspectives on the matter.

Just saying,

[JSFMACLJR]

Since you were the first person to try and turn this thread to a religious issue, I'd guess you would be the one running contrary to the rules.

I beg your pardon?

[Gary Krueger]

Post deleted.

Recheck your theology. I am an ordain Catholic Deacon and have been for 30+ years...I can say that while we do pray for the deceased, there are many prayers offered for the family as well. I won't go into theology here but it's ok to say funerals are for the living.

[artificer]

First, my condolences Tobus.

That said, if the widow specifically asked you to do it, you should give it some serious consideration before not wearing it.

If it cheers her up even a tiny bit it's well worth any discomfort you may feel. Besides, if others will be wearing tie-dye and Hawaiian shirts, you'll still be understated in your kilt.

Much like a wedding, it's not your day and you're not the center of attention. If asked to wear it, wear it.

My $0.02

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