for bear re: English 101

[phil h]

Abuse and misuse of the English language are now punishable by fines.

HM The Queen, particularly incensed over incorrect usage of her commas and apostrophes, announced from the balcony of Buckingham Palace this morning: “One has had enough.”

The Queen’s English has been liable to tax and levies since the signing of the Magna Carta by King John at Runnymede on June 15, 1215 – a right the Crown has not exercised until now.

Paragraph 60 of the preamble to that historic document stated:

"...all these aforesaid customs and liberties, especially punctuation of ye King’s tongue, the observances of which we have granted in our kingdom as far as pertains to us towards our men, shall be observed by all of our kingdom, as well clergy as laymen, as far as pertains to them towards their men. Lapses will be punishable by such monetary penalties as seen fit by the Crown.”

For nearly eight centuries the non-imposition of these penalties has been taken for granted as the Queen’s English spread across the globe.

Now, ironically, those who learn English as a second language have a better command of punctuation than those born into it.

In a carefully prepared, and perfectly punctuated, statement, drawn up with the blessing of all major political parties as well as Westminster’s top mandarins, The Queen announced: “The sprinkling of my apostrophes with such abandon, together with such wanton behaviour pertaining to my comma, is an affront to my tongue.

“My proud language, mastered in its written form by the likes of Shakespeare, William Blake and Henry Miller, is now perilously close to degenerating into the script of phonetics. As protector of this language, both written and spoken, I have, therefore, decreed that we must desist from such malpractice.”

A Bill will be laid before Parliament after the summer recess, outlining the steps towards the prosecution of offenders.

Westminster sources believe if the clampdown on apostrophe and comma misuse is successful, it may be extended to cover collective nouns and basic clause structure.

[philbo]

I'm definitely in trouble now...

[Hamish]

Abuse and misuse of the English language are now punishable by fines.

HM The Queen, particularly incensed over incorrect usage of her commas and apostrophes, announced from the balcony of Buckingham Palace this morning: “One has had enough.” .................................

Um! Excuse me, but Her Majesty has never spoken from the balcony at Buckingham Palace........

[al' Sporrano]

Abuse and misuse of the English language are now punishable by fines.

HM The Queen, particularly incensed over incorrect usage of her commas and apostrophes, announced from the balcony of Buckingham Palace this morning: “One has had enough.” .................................

Um! Excuse me, but Her Majesty has never spoken from the balcony at Buckingham Palace........

And how exactly do you know that for sure, Ham? I mean - she may creep up their at 3am in the morning. Unless you've been watching her 24/7.

Hey! You're not that stalker who keeps creeping into her bedroom are you?

Al

[bear]

Abuse and misuse of the English language are now punishable by fines.

HM The Queen, particularly incensed over incorrect usage of her commas and apostrophes, announced from the balcony of Buckingham Palace this morning: “One has had enough.”

The Queen’s English has been liable to tax and levies since the signing of the Magna Carta by King John at Runnymede on June 15, 1215 – a right the Crown has not exercised until now.

Paragraph 60 of the preamble to that historic document stated:

"...all these aforesaid customs and liberties, especially punctuation of ye King’s tongue, the observances of which we have granted in our kingdom as far as pertains to us towards our men, shall be observed by all of our kingdom, as well clergy as laymen, as far as pertains to them towards their men. Lapses will be punishable by such monetary penalties as seen fit by the Crown.”

For nearly eight centuries the non-imposition of these penalties has been taken for granted as the Queen’s English spread across the globe.

Now, ironically, those who learn English as a second language have a better command of punctuation than those born into it.

In a carefully prepared, and perfectly punctuated, statement, drawn up with the blessing of all major political parties as well as Westminster’s top mandarins, The Queen announced: “The sprinkling of my apostrophes with such abandon, together with such wanton behaviour pertaining to my comma, is an affront to my tongue.

“My proud language, mastered in its written form by the likes of Shakespeare, William Blake and Henry Miller, is now perilously close to degenerating into the script of phonetics. As protector of this language, both written and spoken, I have, therefore, decreed that we must desist from such malpractice.”

A Bill will be laid before Parliament after the summer recess, outlining the steps towards the prosecution of offenders.

Westminster sources believe if the clampdown on apostrophe and comma misuse is successful, it may be extended to cover collective nouns and basic clause structure.

That's funny, Phil.
Who typed it out for you?

[Hamish]

Abuse and misuse of the English language are now punishable by fines.

HM The Queen, particularly incensed over incorrect usage of her commas and apostrophes, announced from the balcony of Buckingham Palace this morning: “One has had enough.” .................................

Um! Excuse me, but Her Majesty has never spoken from the balcony at Buckingham Palace........

And how exactly do you know that for sure, Ham? I mean - she may creep up their at 3am in the morning. Unless you've been watching her 24/7.

Hey! You're not that stalker who keeps creeping into her bedroom are you?

Al

Drat! My secret is out. I've been rumbled...

I suppose what I should have said was that she has never 'proclaimed' from the balcony. Yes, of course she speaks up there - to those around her. She'll say things like, "Oh, do look Philip - there's Ham. down there. We like his new kilt. Let's give him a special wave. Come on, you too Charles. Alright? After three ........one ...... two ...... three!!"

[phil h]

Abuse and misuse of the English language are now punishable by fines.

HM The Queen, particularly incensed over incorrect usage of her commas and apostrophes, announced from the balcony of Buckingham Palace this morning: “One has had enough.”

The Queen’s English has been liable to tax and levies since the signing of the Magna Carta by King John at Runnymede on June 15, 1215 – a right the Crown has not exercised until now.

Paragraph 60 of the preamble to that historic document stated:

"...all these aforesaid customs and liberties, especially punctuation of ye King’s tongue, the observances of which we have granted in our kingdom as far as pertains to us towards our men, shall be observed by all of our kingdom, as well clergy as laymen, as far as pertains to them towards their men. Lapses will be punishable by such monetary penalties as seen fit by the Crown.”

For nearly eight centuries the non-imposition of these penalties has been taken for granted as the Queen’s English spread across the globe.

Now, ironically, those who learn English as a second language have a better command of punctuation than those born into it.

In a carefully prepared, and perfectly punctuated, statement, drawn up with the blessing of all major political parties as well as Westminster’s top mandarins, The Queen announced: “The sprinkling of my apostrophes with such abandon, together with such wanton behaviour pertaining to my comma, is an affront to my tongue.

“My proud language, mastered in its written form by the likes of Shakespeare, William Blake and Henry Miller, is now perilously close to degenerating into the script of phonetics. As protector of this language, both written and spoken, I have, therefore, decreed that we must desist from such malpractice.”

A Bill will be laid before Parliament after the summer recess, outlining the steps towards the prosecution of offenders.

Westminster sources believe if the clampdown on apostrophe and comma misuse is successful, it may be extended to cover collective nouns and basic clause structure.

That's funny, Phil.
Who typed it out for you?

cut n paste

[Kilt'n'Khuk]

Uh' Oh' I'm, in, tr'uble!

[Blu (Ontario)]

Uh' Oh' I'm, in, tr'uble!

Mee, two.

[bubba]

On the up side, the Queens subjects will be paying so much in fines they won't be able to buy beer, leaving more for the rest of us.