I can't sleep because I am in so much pain. RA is really flaring up, most likely because it rained. I have remained for the past few hours in a constant state on being on the verge of puking, my head is swimmy, and I am seeing doubles of everything. RA is eating up my spine pretty badly. Right now, it feels like somebody is slamming a red hot hammer repeatedly in to my lower back and in between my shoulder blades. It is unbearable, yet there is nothing I can do but accept it. It is extremely difficult to type, but here I am, trying to distract my self from the pain. I don't take pain killers... I would rather suffer in body and have a clear mind than be a zombie. I can even feel the dull tooth achy feeling of RA in my jaw, especially where I had my jawbone fractured from being hit in the head with a crowbar. Ever had a really bad toothache? You know, the kind where if anything hot or cold, even just a breeze hits your tooth it makes every nerve ending in your body sing with pain? And that dull throbbing thudding ache? Yeah, that. All night long. And I can feel it just below my bad nearly blind eye where my face got caved in. It's nights like this where I am reminded of all the abuse my poor body has taken. I feel each place where I have taken blows, had fractures, been crushed, smooshed, or smashed. The place where my pelvis broke feels like somebody poured gasoline inside my hip and lit it on fire. I am at the point where I can't help but think about sawing off my gimpy badly damaged leg... I try not to, but my mind thinks of it. Sawing it off would hurt like hell, but for some reason my brain seems to think it's a good idea to get rid of the horrible pain shooting up and down my leg. That place on the back of my skull where they had to saw it open and stick a couple of pins down in my neck is giving me fits. It's now 3:49. The foot that got crushed and burned under the motorcycle and now looks like a deformed raisin... It hurts like hell. Feels like it is being burned all over again, just like when the block cracked and spewed boiling hot oil all over my leg and foot and skidding over the pavement with the motorcycle on top of my leg had chewed off my boot and most of my pantleg... God, if I had known I was going to live this long, I would not have done most of the stupid things I had done and I would have taken better care of my self. I hate nights like this not only for the pain but for the nightmarish memories of many of the injuries... I hate flashbacks. I am loney, my wife is asleep, my dog lies snoring, all my birds are sleeping. I am all alone with a head full of bad memories and blinding pain.

3:55.

I hate nights like these.

Please forgive me my grumbles. I am not even sure why I posted. Just a way to pass the time I reckon and distract my self.