I am truly shocked and apalled!!!
The seductive siren song of modern technology has corrupted your soul! O the humanity! Your wife! the poor dear children! What will become of them??. (They are always the ones to suffer in the end, you know).
I am totally distraught, will have to have a few beers to calm my spirit. Maybe add a dram or two and sing a couple of songs to my dogs.
I know! Maybe I'll order another Kilt from Stillwater, that always cheers me up!

By the way, what the heck is an iphone?????