Yesterday I performed at a funeral near Memphis. Typically, I was dressed to the nines, kilt pressed, brogues polished, and a demeanor appropriate to the somber occasion. One of the 1st things a piper must learn at gigs is not to do anything that that draws or creates undue attention. He is a hired-hand and must conduct himself as such. Anything else is pretty much unforgiveable.

As the funeral cortege arrived at graveside, I took my position to pipe the coffin from hearse to the lowering device. This had been requested by the gentleman who hired me.

It usually takes a few minutes for mourners to exit vehicles and assemble for the graveside ceremony. As I was waiting for my cue to begin playing, a well-dressed middle-aged Bubba approached me and proceeded to tell me how much he detested anything related to the Great Highland Bagpipes.

Anyone who’s worn their kilt publicly has suffered indignities thrust upon them by morons. Pipers get the double-whammy. It is bewildering how many strangers find it necessary to disparage the pipes in general and pipe music specifically to someone they know nothing about.

Anyway, the funeral director was waiting for the remainder of the people and Bubba was using this to his advantage to continue his diatribe. I stepped aside once, but he followed. Still the coffin remained in the hearse and Bubba was still going at it.

I was still waiting for my cue and he was becoming a serious distraction. I swung my pipes onto my shoulder and in the process the outboard tenor drone managed to give him a ‘whack’ – probably on the forehead. Truthfully, it was unintentional. I was merely wanting to drown him out with the drones and hoping he'd go away.

Thankfully and almost at the same time the coffin was slid from the hearse and I led the pallbearers & coffin to the grave.

Afterwards, I sought the lead funeral director and told my story before he had a chance to hear something else from Bubba. The funeral director had seen what happened and had a big laugh as a result.

As it turns out, Bubba was the deceased’s brother-in-law – the obnoxious kind no one likes. He’d been nothing but a PIA for everyone at the funeral home from the beginning, even though he wasn't the one signing the check.

steve