It's still out there, but it's gettin' kinda long, so I'll start another thread so you don't have to scroll too much...

“The Finger is gonna kill me,” he moaned. “It’s a choice, Bruno,” I said harshly. “You tell me a good story, you give the Finger to the cops, and you walk. Or you can join me in a little toast to the lady here, and help me polish off a jar of chutney.” Lady Eilidh began to stir. Bruno hastily removed his feet from her back. “Or I can take a little walk myself, leaving you and Lady Innis here to get acquainted. She’s a little frustrated with you right now.”

“You don’t understand!” wept Eyebrows. “I get up the Finger’s nose on this and it ain’t ‘Gee, Bruno, I guess you messed up.’ It’s the end, man!” Footsteps sounded in the hall, and Bruno began to yank futilely at his bonds. The end of a really impressive nose came in where my office door used to have a window. The nose was framed by a pair of horn-rim spectacles which seemed to be supported by a pair of embarrassed sideburns and resting on a moustache. “Ah, Herman, so good of you to ankle over here with my chutney,” I said jovially. One of Herman’s sterling qualities is that he rarely asks stupid questions. Deliver a jar of the world’s most execrable chutney to a PI who happens to have a guy tied up in a chair and some fancy babe passed out on the floor? No problem. All in a day’s work and thanks for the five dollar tip, Mr. MacTavish.

I pulled the jar slowly out of the paper bag, allowing Bruno to savour the sight. McSweeney had included a large stainless steel serving spoon that looked suitable for prying open the jaws of a blacksmith’s vise, should I desire to feed chutney to one. I held it up and admired the play of the light across its sensuous but workmanlike curves. Bruno was attempting to gather the shattered threads of his defiance together. Lady Eilidh was stirring a bit more but still not awake. I opened the jar and set it next to the spoon, then leaned back in my chair to let the aroma permeate the room and heighten the suspense.

Bruno began to literally run sweat. The poor boy was going to dry up and blow away if he kept that up. I had to admit the smell was making me sweat, too. It was like having an iron poker seasoned with citrus and tamarind rammed up my nose. I opened my mouth to begin working on Bruno again when from the floor Lady Eilidh giggled.