Lawyers

[jgcunningham]

Supposed to be true:

Lawyer: Ma'am, are the two men who stole your purse and ran away with it in the courtroom today? (Raises his hand high and looks around the courtroom.)

Defendants raise their hands high too.

Defense Attorney: Your honor, my clients need to change their plea of "not guilty" to "guilty".


AND

What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer on the highway?

The skidmarks in front of the skunk.

[Geoff Withnell]

A friend of mine who worked in a law office showed me this one.

At a party, one party-goer called another an a55ho1e. The second fellow took offense, and later sued for slander. the defense offered was:

In the social circles involved, the offensive term has two meanings.
1. A void surrounded by a sphincter muscle.
2. A person who does not properly behave according to the customs of civilized society.

Our affirmative defense in that the plaintiff, by definition number 2, is, was, and remains to date, an
a55ho1e!

[Southern Breeze]

I needed a good laugh this week. Thanks for posting it.



Q. Why are most lawyers buried twelve feet deep rather than the usual six feet?

A. Deep down, they're actually nice people.

[Kintail's Lost Now Found]

Awesomeness, pure and unadultered awesomeness.

[Gryphon57]

Why do lawyers wear neckties?

It keeps the foreskin from rolling up over their heads.




Why aren't lawyers circumsized?

There is no end to those pri*&s.

[punk_lawyer]

I keep a few books of these kinds of quotes in my office...both to keep me from making those statements in the heat of the action and to provide me with some humor while beating down the irritations of the day.

My personal favorite was the guy who kept denying to me that he had spray painted his ex-wife's (my client's) house after a dispute they had. With pictures of the graffiti in my hand I was able to ask him to spell the sentence that was sprayed on the wall. It went something like: "S-H-E I-S A W-H-O-R". Silent 'E' gets them every time! I thought the Judge was going to fall off his chair. I mean the fellow gets the W in the word but left the E off when he painted the wall and when he spelled it in Court.

Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction!