Request to wear kilt at funeral - but I don't want to!

[Tobus]

I found out yesterday that a friend of mine passed away the previous morning. He was right around my age, perhaps just a few years older. His heart just stopped beating while he slept. We're still reeling from the news and trying to understand how it could have happened (most likely he took too many pain medications, as he had back problems from a car accident).

Anyway, his funeral is tomorrow morning. His widow wants people to wear bright colours (she is adamant about no black being worn) such as tie-dyed shirts and pastel colours. He often wore bright colours, and she wants to honour him that way. She even stated specifically that I should wear my kilt, since it's colourful.

The problem is, I really don't want to. I just think it would be weird in this context. In my small rural Texas town, it would automatically make me the center of attention, and I don't think that's appropriate. Basically, my mindset is usually that funerals are not the place to dress in a manner where people will leave and talk about what you wore later, even if it's in a positive way. Plus, I don't even think I had ever worn the kilt around him, so it's not like he necessarily liked my kilt or even knew what it looked like. His widow has seen me in it, though, and thinks it's great (she's from England and has more appreciation for it than the locals would, I think).

So, what should I do? This is one of the rare cases where I'm actually NOT looking for an excuse to wear the kilt when its appropriateness is questionable. I'm actually looking for an excuse not to wear it. I just don't want to hurt her feelings or disappoint her expectations. I'm heavily leaning towards just wearing khaki trousers and a brightly coloured buttoned shirt. I'd wear a tartan tie, but I think she's trying to discourage any 'dressing up' as well.

What would you do in this scenario?

[TheBrus]

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I think a quiet word with her, telling her how you feel--giving the reasons above--would be best. I know funerals are for the living, but you're right about not wanting to attract undue attention.

[Chas]

Funerals are not for the dead - they are for those of us that are left behind. In this case the widow. She is going to carry on living and knowing you. It is what she wants - do it.

Regards

Chas

[artificer]

First, my condolences Tobus.

That said, if the widow specifically asked you to do it, you should give it some serious consideration before not wearing it.

If it cheers her up even a tiny bit it's well worth any discomfort you may feel. Besides, if others will be wearing tie-dye and Hawaiian shirts, you'll still be understated in your kilt.

Much like a wedding, it's not your day and you're not the center of attention. If asked to wear it, wear it.

My $0.02

ith:

[gary meakin]

I agree with both TheBrus and Chas. A quiet word with her explaining how you feel might result in her changing her mind. If it doesn't, you should honor her wishes.

[Tobus]

I'm not sure I'll get a chance to talk to her again before the funeral. Her parents have flown in from England, and his parents are staying there too. Plus her friends (including my wife) are trying to help her take care of arrangements and details. With all that she's going through, I'm not sure I want to bother her with such a relatively meaningless discussion. So I'm going to have to make up my mind based on what I know right now, and just have a response ready for her if she brings it up. Hopefully one that's sensitive.

[robthehiker]

My condolences on your friend's passing.

Unless I was really uncomfortable wearing it (and I wouldn't be), I'd wear it to support the widow and to respect her wishes.

[knotty]

Im sorry to hear about the passing of your friend.

Like most people, I tend to wear darker/sombre colors at funerals. As has been said, they are for the living & a time to celebrate the life of the departed.
I feel her wishes are fairly clear. "She even stated specifically that I should wear my kilt, since it's colourful." I would wear your kilt to honor your friend out of respect for her wishes. Just like a kilted gentleman at a wedding, you will not be noticed, you are not the center of attention.

Craig

[MacRobert's Reply]

A difficult decision Tobus but, on balance, I would wear the kilt. Her request at such a time as this should take precedence over what we would normally want to do, IMHO.

[creagdhubh]

Tobus,

I would like to say at the outset that I am deeply sorry for your loss and you have my sincerest condolences and symphathies during this difficult time. I know all to well what you may be experiencing emotionally. On Monday, April 23, 2012, I suddenly and rather unexpectedly lost my step-father of whom I was extremely close to (he was a Vietnam-era combat U.S. Marine, so we had a unique connection). Like your friend, he died in his sleep. Without going into too much detail, as this thread is concerning you and your friend, I will mention that my step-father was merely in his early sixties and was not sick or terminally ill in any way. His heart suddenly stopped beating. It is tragic, but time truly does heal.

Now, as far as you wearing Highland attire to your friend's funeral...do it! I agree with Chas, if this is what your friend's wife wishes, then by all means fulfill her request. I completely understand and appreciate how she wants everyone to wear bright, cheerful clothing...it makes total sense, as this should be a celebration of your friend's life; all that he stood for, accomplished, and for whom he loved and cherished.

I strongly encourage you to wear your new Colquhoun kilt to the funeral. Don't fear that you will be the center of attention, as it will be a celebration in a way; a joyful, yet sorrowful time to be shared with friends and family.

God Bless you my friend and again, I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Best wishes,