Request to wear kilt at funeral - but I don't want to!

**tekdiver500ft** · 5th May 12, 03:37 AM

My deepest condolences.

Funerals are for the living, not the deceased. Wear the kilt, she will deeply appreciate it.

**Moski** · 5th May 12, 04:19 AM

My Condolences. I agree that honoring the simple request will greatly help the lady with dealing with her loss. She's just lost her husband, even with family support it will be upifting for her to receive your support in even such a small thing. I see many widows suffering the loss of their spouse and then the loss of the regard of the husbands friends. Continue your friendship, show her that your regard for her did not die with her husband at this most difficult time, and trust that in a funeral full of tie-dyed celebrants you may even be understated.

Be well, Mo.

**guardsman** · 5th May 12, 04:48 AM

At these sad times, we have to remember that we are actually celebrating the persons life as well as mourning. Most funerals I have been to are bittersweet affairs. Heard of one funeral , where the entrance music was the theme from DADS ARMY, and the exit was ROLL OUT THE BARREL. Do as requested and celebrate your friend. Grieve later. Best wishes and sorry for your loss.But the Wifes loss is greater than yours,sorry

**rondo** · 5th May 12, 10:36 AM

Originally Posted by Chas

Funerals are not for the dead - they are for those of us that are left behind. In this case the widow. She is going to carry on living and knowing you. It is what she wants - do it.

Regards

Chas

I absolutely agree 100% with this. A funeral is for those that remain. The widow has requested bright colors and for you to be kilted specifically...if it were me I would honor her request. You might chose more subdued accessories to tone down some if you wish.

In my circles Wakes are common...we celebrate the life of the deceased, we drink, tell stories, reminisce, sing. It sounds like the widow may have similar feelings.

Rondo

**lukeyrobertson** · 5th May 12, 09:09 PM

Tobus,
Just two weeks ago, I was asked to preside at a funeral. The widow asked me to wear my kilt in order to honour her deceased husband's love of Scotland. I was initially uncomfortable because I am the pastor in this case. I did double check with the family and it was agreed that I wear it. I did. It was fine. Yes people noticed. Of course. But the widow and her family were all smiles. Tobus, you will be fine. Honour her wishes. And my hunch... you're in a small town... most people will know you wear the kilt from time to time. Just do it! It will be very appropriate.

I am keeping you, your friend and his family in my prayers.

**CMcG** · 5th May 12, 11:31 PM

First of all, my condolences. I think the funeral may already have happened, but I'll still chip in my 2 cents.

Originally Posted by Tobus

So, what should I do? This is one of the rare cases where I'm actually NOT looking for an excuse to wear the kilt when its appropriateness is questionable. I'm actually looking for an excuse not to wear it. I just don't want to hurt her feelings or disappoint her expectations.

The problem with excuses is that they can easily cause hurt feelings. For example, if you say "my kilt was being laundered" and the widow finds out you have more than one kilt.

I would prefer to approach her and say something polite but vague, like "sorry, I won't be/wasn't able to wear my kilt." If she asks why, ask if she has a minute for you to explain your reasons. If she's too busy to chat, offer to explain later. If she has time, gently tell her the honest truth. And make sure you at least wear something colourful, as per her general request to the mourners!

In my experience, reasons tend to go over better than excuses, but a polite yet vague statement of fact is perhaps even easier for people to accept.

Originally Posted by Tobus

What would you do in this scenario?

I would wear the kilt because the widow asked me to.

**English Bloke** · 5th May 12, 11:39 PM

Firstly condolences.

Secondly apologies, I missed this earlier.

Lastly. In your circumstances, the Kilt is very appropriate.

**PEEDYC** · 6th May 12, 04:43 AM

I have been to many (too many) funerals, kilted and sometimes get thanked for "making an effort" but more often than not I am just part of the crowd.

I once attended a very your persons funeral where everyone held a yellow balloon and when he was being lowered all the balloons were let go. I have attended two (one very recently) where the owners dog was in the church (with permission) and one where a cardboard replica of DJ's decks were buried with the deceased instead of flowers. I have been to funerals where people have worn dress uniforms and others have turned up in work overalls as they could not get time off. Turning up is a sign of respect and love for the person but more importantly for their family.

I say respect the family by respecting the widow's wish.

**JSFMACLJR** · 6th May 12, 05:10 AM

Post deleted.

**Zardoz** · 6th May 12, 06:38 AM

Originally Posted by JSFMACLJR

perhaps this "Funerals are not for the dead " could be seen as an attack, however mild and unintended, on one's religion, and might be contrary to the Forum rules and regs. Just saying.

Since you were the first person to try and turn this thread to a religious issue, I'd guess you would be the one running contrary to the rules.