fun confrontation at convenience store

[Magnus Sporrano]

Thes morn Ah was waitin' in line wi' mah breakfest at th' convenience stair, when a quine behin' me in line tugged gently oan th' back ay mah kilt tae gie mah attention. she tauld me "yoo main ken whit Ah am thinkin' reit noo."

playin' dumb, Ah responded "no, ma'am, Ah main confess ignorance in thes matter. teel me whit is oan yer min' reit noo."

she says "i am dyin' tae ken whit is under th' kilt."

i playfully talked aroond it, tellin' tales ay oaths ay secrecy, retribution by th' scottish mafia fur fowk wi' loose lips, an' ended up wi' an invitation fur 'er tae reach up thaur an' check fur herself (assumin' she wooldnae, given th' time an' place).

"oh mah, nae, Ah coods ne'er div 'at. sae teel me, whaur ur ye gonnae aw dressed up loch 'at?" she asks.

"this is hoo Ah frock fur wark every day," Ah respond.

she quickly follows up, "what is it ye div?"

withit missin' a beat, Ah respond "sheep. Ah breed sheep."

her braw wrinkles up as she considers thes. th' bonnie yoong quinie at th' register sees me every morn, sae she gi'es a wry smile knowin' 'at th' trap has bin masterfully sit.

"what's 'at loch?" says th' quine.

the cashier winces, knowin' th' trap has bin sprung.

"weel ye see," Ah say, "it's a lot loch a real burd if ye close yer een."

the cashier blushes an' shakes 'er heed. thes is clearly th' best a body she's heard yit. th' quine fa confronted me was in deep condsideration ay whit she jist heard. as aam walkin' it th' duir, Ah hear 'er say tae th' cashier, "he's havin' fin wi' me. he's messin' wi' mah heed, isnae he?"

EDIT: Abridged plain english version further down in the thread.

[wolfgang]

Dat is jo ehn Sproch as Plattdütsch in Freesland. Ik verstoh gornix.

[dana]

What language is that? I didn't get any of it. I'm sure it was a good story.

dana

[mcnice]

i understood the first half, but nothing of the dialogue.
what does mean div` and loch?

@wolfgang: des muss man lesen wie es da steht, nicht verenglischen, dann kommts durchaus dem norddeutschen hin oder nicht?

[Galant]

I managed to get it all. Read it phonetically (with a Scottish accent!)

[Magnus Sporrano]

OK I had some fun with that one. Ran it through an English->Scot/Brogue translator.

The gist of it is, a lady at the convenience store asked the "what's up yours?" question. I danced around the answer, of course. But I laid a masterful trap for her, which she walked right into. I told her I wear the kilt to work every day. She asked what do I do. I told her I breed sheep. She asks what that's like. I tell her "It's a lot like a real woman if you close your eyes."

[bubba]

I got it. Seems more like a mix of deep south pronunciation and Scottish burr.

[highlander_Daz]

more like someone whos drunk !!!!!!!!!!!

I didnt understand a word

[Mr. Kilt]

I got it, but it took a few minutes and now my brain hurts.

[Jeremy]

I was reminded of a Scottish language message board I found once... I'll try to track it down again. A bunch of guys were chatting in Scots when a woman came on and started bitching that she hears enough of that from her "dustmen" and doesn't want to see it online. She was told to go float her shoes in the Forth.