feeling special is not OK

[highlander_Daz]

Alan I learned a long time a go thet peoples opinions are just that-opinions, If wearing the Kilt makes you feel good (which is only proper!!) then wear one some people feel good snowboarding and some people feel good jumping out of planes, What does it matter what others think. You will encounter small mindedness wherever you travel. People like to pidgeon hole, "hes wearing a kilts so" is he Scottish? and piper? cross dresser? crazy?. what does it matter and what does it have to do with them anyway?

[Sherry]

Quite a few good posts touching on different facets of self-esteem.

Daz is right, it doesn't really matter what others think. You can tell your wife, Alan, it's just semantics. Your self-esteem is fine, & you like wearing kilts for a variety of reasons which you have probably already expressed to her.

Kilt on!

Sherry

[KiltedCodeWarrior]

Wow, talk about a timely thread! My wife this morning got upset with me because I came downstairs dressed for work in a kilt again (for those keeping track, this is day 3!). She has been a little cool to the idea, but until today did not really say anything. She said she does not care if I wear one on the weekends, but is afraid that it might hurt my career at work and thereby hurt our personal financial situation and so affects here and our daughters. She brought this up as I was leaving to take the girls to school so I did not respond as I thought it would be a longer conversation we had time for. Got to work to see a fairly strong email from her that I will not share, but hurt me because it was pretty specific on what she would do if I continued to wear a kilt to work. I am basically floored. I knew from reading others posts that the lovely women in our lives usually are the most resistant to us wearing kilts, but I thought I was not going to have that issue since she had not brought it up before now. I responded back to her that I would not do anything detrimental to my career (I really like my job!) and that I had insured before hand that it would be accepted in the office by my boss and HR.

I guess I really don't have much to add to this thread, just sharing really, but I would echo that wearing a kilt for me is fun. Do I get some more attention? Yes, but nowhere near the attention that my wife and I receive when out with our 2 darling adopted daughters. They are so cute that nobody cares about us or what we are wearing.

Sigh, sitting here kilted at work and depressed, which doesn't seem right somehow.

RJI

[macgreggor]

KCW,
That is hitting below the belt on the part of your wife. The best advice I ever got to deflect nasty attacks from those who we think are supporting us was in a book called 'The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense'.

As my TKD instructor keeps telling me, 'be the wind, if you don't fight, it is hard for someone else to fight with you'.

Now if I could just remember that advice when the ceiling falls in! Best of luck.

macG

[davedove]

I think that all these women are just afraid we men will be able to dress ourselves well without their input.;)

[Sherry]

KCW,
... The best advice I ever got to deflect nasty attacks from those who we think are supporting us was in a book called 'The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense'.

...
macG

That is a very helpful book.

It looks like your wife is reacting out of fear, & she may not be aware of all the trouble you went to make sure kilting at the office would be OK. You might show her the thread where you delineated to us all that you did to get clearance. OTOH, she may fear that while it is OK for you to wear the kilt to work, those who could promote you may not be so keen on it (the kilt that is) & therefore not so keen on promoting you.

You two will have to have a good talk; & tho' it's too late for this one, next time you feel you must walk away because there is no time for a lengthy discussion, let her know that you do want to talk it out with her but you want to do it when you both have the time the issue deserves, or that she deserves, whichever is fitting.

Sherry

[Alan H]

Sigh, sitting here kilted at work and depressed, which doesn't seem right somehow.

RJI

These are tough issues, and when you love someone, there aren't easy answers. The old "I'll do what I want and everyone else can just EAT it." attitude doesn't work so well, when the objections are from your spouse and you love them.

I'd say this... make sure that she knows the lengths to which you went to get the OK at work. Talk to her, kindly and wisely and LISTEN. LISTEN, and listen hard and try to understand what she is saying. Listen to see if she is understanding what you are saying. Consider the option of compromise, as in, what if you wear a kilt to work one-two days a week instead of every day? Is that workable?

Here's an insight that might help. I'm an enthusiastic sort of fellow. If you don't like me, you could substitute the word "erratic" for "ethusiastic". Some peole do. I tend to get interested in things for a few months or a year or two and then move on. I'm not like that regarding *everything*, I've been sailing for fifteen years for example, but I do it a lot. My wife sees these activites that I have for 6 - 24 months as "hobbies".

She is concerned that I'm indulging a "hobby" ....kilts....which I will have for a year, at most two. She's afraid that I'll move on in a year or so and not be so interested in them, but that in the process of wearing them to work, I'll have torpedo'ed part of my career.

I have to be honest with myself...she has a point, in terms of my "enthusiasm".. We don't have kids so it's not so much of a big deal, but she does have a point.

Are you in the same boat? Think it over. I will also be honest with you and tell you that I wonder. You have only been on XMarks for a few weeks, and yet you've put up a couple hundred posts, and have undertaken a major assault on the world....wearing a kilt to work in a very conservative financial institution. It's not like you've been wearing kilts for years, eh? Are you like me...the enthusiastic sort, that sometimes people see, as much as they love us, as a little bit erratic?

Be fair, be honest with yourself and with her, and think it over. What if you wore a kilt to work only one day a week for three months. You know, "casual friday"? How would that go over? Offer compromises?? Slow down a bit?? If she cannot offer compromises back, if her stance is "my way or the highway...lose the kilts or I'm leaving" then you have to do some serious thinking.

You love her...is she worth the kilts? Kilts...wife, I know which one wins out in my book. I like kilts, but I love my wife. It's no contest, and the kilts stay on the hanger an donly come down for Highland Games and Celtic music events....but wait..

Does she love you? If she did, would she give you no options, dictate her way and give you no alternatives? Is that love? What kind of love? Have you ever dictated anything like that to her? Is she IN FACT, doing that?

Tough questions, mate, and I bet you won't have answers tomorrow. It's going to take a while, and the answers you'll find are worth more than a closet full of custom-made worsted wool tanks.

Good luck.

[KiltedCodeWarrior]

Alan, I don't know even where to begin to respond to your post! And I mean that in a good way. I think that I will try the post a snippet and respond method.

These are tough issues, and when you love someone, there aren't easy answers. The old "I'll do what I want and everyone else can just EAT it." attitude doesn't work so well, when the objections are from your spouse and you love them.

100% agreement on this. As I said before, nobody can push our buttons like our family and those that we love. I am really not trying to take that attitude here, which does not mean that I have succeeeded in not taking that attitude. But if I am honest, and I have been with my wife, I have never cared what anybody else thought about me or my decisions. To paraphrase my favorite author "If 10,000 people say something is true and I say it is false, then it is up to the 10,000 to prove their claim".

I'd say this... make sure that she knows the lengths to which you went to get the OK at work. Talk to her, kindly and wisely and LISTEN. LISTEN, and listen hard and try to understand what she is saying. Listen to see if she is understanding what you are saying. Consider the option of compromise, as in, what if you wear a kilt to work one-two days a week instead of every day? Is that workable?

This was actually the first thing I made sure to communicate to her today after I got to work and had a chance to talk with her. She still has a concern that my manager and HR might give lip service to being OK with the kilt but it might still be detrimental at review time. I might be willing to consider a compromise, but right now the wording of the compromise my wife's almost exact words) is that I can do what I want on my personal time, but should not wear a kilt to work on any regular basis except for casual days, which happens once in a blue moon. I would be completely fine, both with my wife and work, if both said they did not care what I wore, or when, and to leave me the choice. Maybe this is being stiff-necked or unreasonable, but if it is acceptable to wear at all, then I see it no different than when I decided a few years ago to wear nothing but flowery, hawaiian type shirts to the office. It was my choice whether I wore one or a standard Izod/Polo shirt or a solid color button-down.

Here's an insight that might help. I'm an enthusiastic sort of fellow. If you don't like me, you could substitute the word "erratic" for "ethusiastic". Some people do. I tend to get interested in things for a few months or a year or two and then move on. I'm not like that regarding *everything*, I've been sailing for fifteen years for example, but I do it a lot. My wife sees these activites that I have for 6 - 24 months as "hobbies".

She is concerned that I'm indulging a "hobby" ....kilts....which I will have for a year, at most two. She's afraid that I'll move on in a year or so and not be so interested in them, but that in the process of wearing them to work, I'll have torpedo'ed part of my career.

I have to be honest with myself...she has a point, in terms of my "enthusiasm".. We don't have kids so it's not so much of a big deal, but she does have a point.

Hmmh, let's see my first post was on 9/14 at 9:26pm and it is now 10/4 at 10:13pm (does this prove a point regarding type A or anal retentive personality?) and I am up to 216 posts, not including this one. Some quick math comes up with over 11 posts per day. Excessive? Maybe (Graham is only at 7.02 per day according to a quick look at his profile!), and I will grant that I tend to the "enjoy life to excess" philosophy.

Are you in the same boat? Think it over. I will also be honest with you and tell you that I wonder. You have only been on XMarks for a few weeks, and yet you've put up a couple hundred posts, and have undertaken a major assault on the world....wearing a kilt to work in a very conservative financial institution. It's not like you've been wearing kilts for years, eh? Are you like me...the enthusiastic sort, that sometimes people see, as much as they love us, as a little bit erratic?

Be fair, be honest with yourself and with her, and think it over. What if you wore a kilt to work only one day a week for three months. You know, "casual friday"? How would that go over? Offer compromises?? Slow down a bit?? If she cannot offer compromises back, if her stance is "my way or the highway...lose the kilts or I'm leaving" then you have to do some serious thinking.

Alan, I think that I need to plan a kilt night with you in CA as we appear to be very similar in personality! I think that the boat in question is called the "SS ??". Sorry, couldn't come up with a good name while going through this process of self analysis! Am I in the same boat, i.e. somewhat compulsive, obsessed, and prone to going off on a tear on a new interest? Hell yes! I recognized that in myself a long time ago, but it did not affect my wife because most of the topics were in my work life exclusively, or teaching classes, participating on discussion boards, activities we shared like scuba diving, etc.. Not sure if people would have said I was erratic per se, as much as maybe obsessive compulsive. (Research Note to self, why does wearing the kilt lead to so many opportunities to share those things that I have never shared or vocalized before?).

You love her...is she worth the kilts? Kilts...wife, I know which one wins out in my book. I like kilts, but I love my wife. It's no contest, and the kilts stay on the hanger and only come down for Highland Games and Celtic music events....but wait..

Does she love you? If she did, would she give you no options, dictate her way and give you no alternatives? Is that love? What kind of love? Have you ever dictated anything like that to her? Is she IN FACT, doing that?

Tough questions, mate, and I bet you won't have answers tomorrow. It's going to take a while, and the answers you'll find are worth more than a closet full of custom-made worsted wool tanks.

Good luck.

Simple answer, as I listen to her coughing with a cold upstairs, is that I married my best friend when I said "I do" over 17 years ago and I think that we still have that, but kids and everyday life has strained it. Does she love me, I think yes. Have I shocked her, caused her to adapt to a sudden change, as well as moved across country and lost someone to liver disease, yes! Does she love me, I sincerely hope so.

This has been a long response for me and I have yet to see what others have posted (or read the other 150 posts since I last logged in) so I will end with thanks again to Alan and the others that were there to post encouraging responses.
RJI