Divorce in my future?

**Mike n NC** · 22nd October 05, 05:48 AM

Originally Posted by beerbecue

Hi All,

First, let me say my absence has been due to a couple of factors. One, my new teaching position has taken a lot of time, as I am writing and preparing for two courses, and second, my wife didn't like me spending much time on the computer....

So, because of the new teaching position, I have had to work late into the evening, on the computer, preparing powerpoint presentations, outlines, handouts, etc.....

So now, the issue of trust, and her belief that I am doing something illicit and wrong on the computer has reared its ugly head again.... I will add that one of her best friends' husbands is an unemployed computer geek who is addicted to internet porn, so that doesn't help.

On the way to work this morning, she calls me on my cell phone and offers a separation/divorce and for me to move out with no strings attached - and doesn't seem to want to discuss this trust issue, or any others that we are having.

Anyway, I don't want a divorce or separation, but she says that she really hates me.

Do I just accept this, and move on, and deal, or do I continue to try to establish some dialogue and try to figure out why she lacks trust?

BTW, this is another reason why I never made it to any festivals or outings - she never wanted to go and expressed her displeasure in my interest in the kilt community.

I won't even try to advise you beyond saying "get help"...for you, for her, for the situation and that I will keep you in my thoughts.

I do wonder what the "true" cause of her problems are since the ones mentioned are far, far too slight to generate this kind of reaction.

Mike

**Graham** · 22nd October 05, 06:00 AM

Originally Posted by Sherry

I think it's worth a heroic effort to try to save your marriage. Beg her to go to counselling with you. If one counsellor doesn't work out, try another. If you don't have a minister, finding one could benefit you both.

You can't change another person. You can only control your own actions. She may not agree to counselling, but you'll at least know that you gave it an honest effort.

All the best to you,
Sherry

I agree with this advice of Sherry's. I hope that both of you will see that marriage and it's vows are sacred and need to be maintained at all costs.

If the computer is really the problem, get rid of it. Show her that your interest is HER, and not porn, take her on a holiday, whatever it takes.

I hope things work out for you.

**Jimmy Carbomb** · 22nd October 05, 08:46 AM

Folks' advise seems to be pretty well in line here. Good group of guys.

From one who's re-married and VERY happily going on in a new life...

...whatever you decide to do and wherever the road takes you, be confident in your decisions and KNOW that nothing happens without a reason. You may not see why it's happening and what brought it to this point... but it's there. You may not see what's on the horizon... but it's already there too.

All the pain in the world can't scratch the surface of all the wonderful things that are going to happen.

**MacConnachie** · 22nd October 05, 08:56 AM

Originally Posted by Mike1

Mac, I can relate to how you still miss her (been there), but the one thing we always have to remember is that when we are standing and looking at a closed door, we are missing all the other doors that are opening around us.

Thanks, Mike. You're correct, of course. Hindsight is 20-20, and looking back on those times, I now see some opportunities presented themselves which I was too blinded to see whilst in the midst of it. Would've, could've, should've . . . (sigh)

**jjoseph** · 22nd October 05, 11:31 AM

I hope you both find resolution a path that will be best for each of you. Coming from a blended family I do have to say, "It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one." Best wishes.

**Archangel** · 22nd October 05, 02:49 PM

...I just keep thinking how bad it is to answer cell phones while driving....

Seriously, sounds tough, and sad. You're getting some good advice here, though.

**Riverkilt** · 23rd October 05, 03:51 PM

Bummer,

Gotta tell you, was married for 20 years. Looking back ove my life the divorce was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. She went out and got a life. I went out and got a life.

Adult dating can be LOTS of fun. The Internet has made finding a new partner easy and fun. Been single now 17 years since the divorce and have had a lot more fun than if we'd stayed together and "tried" to work it out. We're still friendly and can be at our daughter's home together for our grandkids birthdays and holidays...even with our current dates.

Make the decision you need to make. Just know if you decide to divorce there's a wonderful world of fun and happiness possible as a single adult.

Don't know if it matters, but I'm a licensed professional counselor with a graduate major in marriage and family therapy.

Ron

**Mike1** · 23rd October 05, 04:31 PM

Originally Posted by MacConnachie

Hindsight is 20-20, and looking back on those times, I now see some opportunities presented themselves which I was too blinded to see whilst in the midst of it. Would've, could've, should've . . . (sigh)

I suspect that there are more than just the two of us that wear that scar. ;)

**Archangel** · 23rd October 05, 08:18 PM

One couple I know, I don't know their story, his wife set all the password and limitations on his computer, with his okay. I think it was a promise keepers' thing.

That's general advice, my thought is that the computer is a smoke screen. I've also learned not to take all the info from one side of the pair, sorry.