Airline Mechanic's Checklist

[Nick]

Funniest thing I've read in a while!

Qantas Airlines gripes and fixes:
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After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.



__________________________________________________ ____

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by
mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
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P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
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P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
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P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
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P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
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P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
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P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
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P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
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P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
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P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
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P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
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P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Rob Wright]

This keeps floating around the web in spurts but it's one of the better ones, always good for a chuckle.

[GlassMan]

That is absolutely hilarious!

[chasem]

I've seen it a couple times too, but it's a great read

[Southern Breeze]

I've seen several of those and I laugh every time. Thanks. :grin:

[Graham]

That's so funny, I've not seen it before.
Guess you may have seen these, but they are good.

Airline Humor
Exchange #1
Tower : "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Exchange #2
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Exchange #4
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

Exchange #5
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

Exchange #6
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

Exchange #7
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach"

Exchange #8
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

Exchange #9
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

following:

Lufthansa (in German) : "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English) : "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war"

Exchange #10
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

Exchange #11
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts to build another one."

Exchange #12
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747 crew) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground : "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground : "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

Exchange #13
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,

screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpits out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[mddock58]

This thread was a great way to start the morning!

Thanks all!

[KiltedCodeWarrior]

Now I can start my day at work in a cheerful mood!

Took the hammer away from the midget! LOL

[switchblade5984]

Exchange #9
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

following:

Lufthansa (in German) : "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English) : "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war"

that is great! so is the other about not landing

[GlassMan]

I've got a bit of frightening but true air traffic banter that I actually lived through to share.

The summer after grad school I was cooling my heels at my parent's house in Texas for a few months before entering a monastery (Yes, I was once a monk but that's another story for another day). Well, a rich friend of mine from college was still in New Haven and he was lonely. So he decided to have "daddy" fly me up for a few weeks. Needless to say I was shocked when all of a sudden I got plane tickets in the mail without warning.

So I went up and had a great time for a few weeks. On the return flight I took the shuttle from New Haven to Newark and then I was supposed to board a flight back to San Antonio by way of Chicago. A massive storm front was rolling in and it looked like my flight was going to be cancelled. However, the check-in ticket lady recognized the lapel pin on my coat as being from a catholic religious order. She tried to be nice to me and got me transfered to an earlier flight so I wouldn't be stuck in Newark overnight.

That's when the nightmare began. The turbulence was absolute hell. And when we got to Chicago we got put in holding pattern after holding pattern along with every other plane in the air. The pilot decided it would be a cool idea to pipe the radio conversations with air traffic control over the plane speakers so we could all listen in. They also announced that the airline had opened the flood gates on alcohol while we waited to land.

After we'd pretty much exhausted all the booze on board and heard air traffic control tell us to take "delaying vector" this, that and the other about 50 times we heard them once again come over the air to give us yet another holding pattern.

My Plane: "Chicago Air Traffic Control, this is United Flight forgot the number I'm sorry but we can't take that delaying vector. You need to clear us to land."

Air Traffic Control: "Negative United forgot the number proceed on delaying vector..."

My Plane: "Negative Air Traffic Control, we're running low on fuel. We either need clearance to land or to be diverted to another airport."

So there we were being diverted to Indianapolis. Once we got there apparently the pilot forgot about letting us all listen in on the conversation when he opened his mouth.

Indianapolis ATC: "United Flight forgot the number into Chicago please take delaying vector blah blah blah while we land some of the flights ahead of you."

Our Plane: "Negative Indianapolis, you need to give us immediate clearance to land or figure out where we went down because we're running on fumes."

The looks on everyone's drunken face was priceless. There was a long pause of silence from the speakers until we finally heard:

Indianapolis: "Okay, United Flight forgot the number to Chicago, you're cleared to land on runway...."

Of course at the same time an attendant was racing to the cockpit to remind the pilot that everyone on the plane could here him say we were running on fumes.