Kilt(ish) jokes

[Mattg]

That's the Scots!

[GMan]

Reading this thread, I am unable to stop laughing.

[Southern Breeze]

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match.
At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen.
They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Pour1Malt]

A Scottish Fruit Cake Recipe...

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon malt whisky


Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again to be sure it is of the utmost quality.
Pour one level cup and drink neat. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or samethin'.
Who cares? Check the whisky again.

Now, sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or samethin'. Whatever ye can fin.
Grease the ooven. Turn the caike tin tae 350 degreesh.
Dinnae forget tae beat aff the turner. Throo the bowl oot of the windee.
Chick ra whisky again.
try tae crail tae bed.
Whoo ra fekk likes fritkick anyhoo an a'.....

[Pour1Malt]

Robertson was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman.

As Robertson pulled out a flask of 40 year old Longmorn from his sporran the clergyman glared and said reprovingly,

"Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whisky in my life!"

"Dinna ye worry, Minister," smiled Robertson, pouring himself a dram. "There's nay fekkin risk of you startin' the noo!"

[Pour1Malt]

"WHAT DO YOU WEAR UNDER YOUR KILT?"

* How badly do you want to know?
* How warm are your hands?
* Me mother once told me a real lady wouldn't ask. She was right.
* On a good day, lipstick.
* Play your cards right and you can find out.
* Sorry, I'm a bit shy and not much good with words. Give me your hand...
* Talcum powder

"WHAT'S UNDER YOUR KILT?"

* A wee set of pipes.
* Bagpipes, wanna give 'em a blow?
* It's the smallest airport in the world.....2 hangars and a night fighter.
* My shoes and socks.
* String -- I had to tie it up so it didn’t hang below the kilt.

"WHAT'S WORN UNDER YOUR KILT?"

* Nothing is worn, everything is in perfect working order.

"WHY DO THEY CALL IT A KILT?"

* 'Cause that's what I did to the last guy who called it a skirt!



Here are some suggestions assuming a gentleman is being queried by another gentleman:

* Same as you, only bigger.
* Your wife's/sister's/mother's lipstick.

[UmAnOnion]

"WHAT DO YOU WEAR UNDER YOUR KILT?"

* How badly do you want to know?
* How warm are your hands?
* Me mother once told me a real lady wouldn't ask. She was right.
* On a good day, lipstick.
* Play your cards right and you can find out.
* Sorry, I'm a bit shy and not much good with words. Give me your hand...
* Talcum powder

"WHAT'S UNDER YOUR KILT?"

* A wee set of pipes.
* Bagpipes, wanna give 'em a blow?
* It's the smallest airport in the world.....2 hangars and a night fighter.
* My shoes and socks.
* String -- I had to tie it up so it didn’t hang below the kilt.

"WHAT'S WORN UNDER YOUR KILT?"

* Nothing is worn, everything is in perfect working order.

"WHY DO THEY CALL IT A KILT?"

* 'Cause that's what I did to the last guy who called it a skirt!



Here are some suggestions assuming a gentleman is being queried by another gentleman:

* Same as you, only bigger.
* Your wife's/sister's/mother's lipstick.

OH MY GOD!!! HE SPEAKS (well, types) ENGLISH!!!!!

[Pour1Malt]

OH MY GOD!!! HE SPEAKS (well, types) ENGLISH!!!!!

nay... ai jus cut & paisted eet!

[Mattg]

nay... ai jus cut & paisted eet!

Good! You had me worried!

[Pour1Malt]

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of huge crowd.

Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope,
"Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by someone wearing a worse frock & hat than he, considers what he could do.

"Your Majesty, that was impressive.
But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH, WELSH, and SCOTTISH person in the crowd go crazy with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and all Irish and Scottish people will rejoice forever? ... Show me".


So the Pope slapped her!