Kilt(ish) jokes

[UmAnOnion]

One bright sunny day, an kilted Aberdonian was riding his horse into town with his dog and his sheep along beside them. They came across a stranger who was travelling in the opposite direction, and began the following conversation:

Stranger: "Hey, that's a cool dog you've got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Aberdonian: "The Dog disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Aberdonian: Look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this man your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Dog:: "Yep"
Stranger: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the loch once a week to play."
Aberdonian: Look of total disbelief.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Aberdonian: "My Horse disnae talk."
Stranger: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Aberdonian: Extreme look of shock.
Stranger: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at Aberdonian)
Horse: "Yep"
Stranger: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Aberdonian: Total look of utter amazement.
Stranger: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Aberdonian: "The sheep's a bloody liar."

you forgot the bit about the stranger being a ventriloquist....

[Pour1Malt]

you forgot the bit about the stranger being a ventriloquist....

that wasnae in the version I read... thots a guid addition though!

[Pour1Malt]

A woman and her friend were out golfing and she teed off first.

To her horror, her ball was headed straight for a foursome of men in kilts.

Sure enough, it hit one of the men and he clasped his hands together at his groin and began rolling on the ground.

The woman ran to the man and began apologizing.

"Please let me help," she said, "I'm a physical therapist."

"No, no, errrr," he groaned, "I'll be fine." still clasping his hands at his groin.

"No," she said, "I can help." So she slid her hands up his kilt and began to massage.

"How's that?" she said.

"It feels great," he said, "But my thumb still hurts like hell."

[Iolaus]

An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and
asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the
Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue.

"You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed.

"I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when
I wear high heels."

[Mattg]

Those were all great!

[Pour1Malt]

A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.

Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.

Then a kilted Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?"

The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to bugger it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."

[Pour1Malt]

A shipwrecked Scotsman finally washed ashore on a small island wearing nothing but his kilt.

As he regained consciousness on the beach, he noticed a beautiful,
unclad nymphet standing over him.

"Would you like some food?" she asked.

The Scot hoarsely croaks,
"Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!"

She disappeared into the woods and quickly came back with a heaping helping of haggis. "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!"

She disappeared into the woods again and returned sometime later with a bottle of 40-year-old single-malt scotch whisky.

Then, the unclad nymphet leaned towards him and said "Would you like to play around?"

"Och lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here tae!"

[Kilted KT]

An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and
asked the waitress what the special was. "Roast and rice," the
Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue.

"You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed.

"I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when
I wear high heels."

r's...that is damn funny!!!