Kilt(ish) jokes

**Mattg** · 5th April 06, 03:47 PM

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks
if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland
too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you
from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen
too!
Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school
did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in
'62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to
Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down
at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins
are drunk again."

**Panache** · 5th April 06, 05:07 PM

Why is it that the Irish raise cattle while the Scots raise sheep?

On average the Irish are slightly taller than the Scots.

**Sherry** · 5th April 06, 07:12 PM

Originally Posted by Yaish

Cool song, even if its not accurate. Do you know of a recorded version one can hear for free? I cant seem to find a tune that matches the words.

You can see the music & hear a midi file here:
http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/d...tGRIGALOO.html

**Pour1Malt** · 6th April 06, 09:06 AM

The Scottish coach driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists.

The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scots PULVERIZED the English."

They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scots MASSACRED the English.

Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scots WHIPPED the English.

About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"?

The bus driver responds, "No while I'm driving the coach".

**Pour1Malt** · 6th April 06, 09:13 AM

There are two things a Scot likes naked!
One of them is malt whisky!

**Pour1Malt** · 6th April 06, 09:21 AM

"I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling."
-Chic Murray, Scot, 1919-1985

**Pour1Malt** · 6th April 06, 09:26 AM

"There are two rules for drinking whisky. First, never take whisky without water, and second, never take water without whisky." - Chic Murray

**Pour1Malt** · 7th April 06, 08:19 AM

Q. How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A. 21! One to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the room spins.

**Pour1Malt** · 7th April 06, 08:27 AM

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said,

"In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on his kilt and the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran towards the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said,

"No, that's okay, you can keep the egg."