Martial Arts

[The Supreme Canuck]

...and in the most extreme cases, it tells you to climb into their shorts and keep hitting them until they stop moving.

Quite right. It's one of the most effective (and frightening) systems I've ever seen.

I know Yaish is, or was, training in it a few months ago. You might PM him about it. They might know someone local to you.

Thanks, I'll do that.

So basically the main tennet od Krav Maga is

"Carry a bigger stick than the next guy"

Pretty much. The point is to win... no matter what.

you could also try Scottish Kung Fu - basically a lot of yelling and screaming and kicking them while they are down.

Well, Krav is the same, but without yelling. When you get the guy on the ground, you're supposed to knock him in the head a few times to make sure he can't get up. And hits below the belt are encouraged. Like I said, effective.