Cat Diary and Plans For World Domination

**Southern Breeze** · 27th September 06, 05:40 PM

Here's one I received in my E-Mail several months ago. Be afraid,be very afraid.

Cat Diary and Plans For World Domination

This diary was found on my computer during routine housekeeping. With a little difficulty I managed to translate it in English. I was shocked at what I discovered about Fluffy's secret life and his plans for human beings when we are overthrown by cats ....

DAY 752

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair - must try this on their bed.

DAY 762

Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation; incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try and strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was - hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole-speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ...

FURTHER NOTES.

It is my belief that once I've overcome my captors, the feline race can stage an uprising. In preparation for the great uprising, I have prepared a list of changes which will improve the world.

* Formation of groups such as Cats for the Ethical Treatment of Humans (CETH); felines will be concerned about intensive farming of humans; papers will be circulated on the most humane method of despatch for surplus farmed people and whether humans should be de-nailed.
* The cat food section of the grocery store will increase in size and people food will be relegated to a dusty corner - all cat food packets will be easy-open for paws; human food comprises anything not passed fit for feline consumption.
* There will be pawprint recognition pads at cat height on public buildings.
* Proliferation of can-openers that cats can operate.
* The lead roles in major movies will be played by cats and cats will get top billing over any human stars in other major movies; we will circulate dark rumours about the fate of Lassie.
* Movies will be made in Felinese with human subtitles.
* Houses will be fitted with person-flaps and humans will have to wear magnetic collars.
* Humans, except for those registered as breeding stock, will be neutered so that no human kids will cut in on its share of attention.
* Humphrey will stage a comeback at 10 Downing Street, England and immediately form an alliance with Socks Clinton and a previously unknown Siberia Cat in the Kremlin; chemical warfare (tomcat pee) will used against humans who resist feline world domination.
* Trap-neuter-return campaigns will be used to control the exploding human population; meanwhile kitty-condoms, kitty-caps and the kitty-pill will marketed as voluntary cattraceptives, available from all good veterinarians or free from family planning clinics.
* Cats from certain breeds will be free to breed across the race barrier without accusations of tainting their breeds; there will be no discrimination against mixed-breed offspring.
* Replacement claws will be available for cats declawed before the glorious revolution.
* There will be selective breeding of humans for desirable traits e.g. door-opening ability, stroking ability, maximum lap comfort, ability to play with a tease-toy until cat (not human) grows tired; there may be a backlash against ultra-typing of humans.
* In rural areas, a human's value will be calculated according to their ability to catch mice.
* I foresee that human shelters will spring up for rescue and rehoming of stray and abandoned people; there will, of course, be a clampdown on back yard breeders and kiddy-mills.
* There will be an immediate proliferation of books on Caring for Your Person, Guide to Choosing a Person and Guide to Showing Your Person.
* The cat next door finally gets the better of Snoopy in the Peanuts strip; Garfield continues to abuse both Odie and Jon.
* Organizations such as PFA (People Fanciers Association), TIPA (The International People Association) and GCPF (Governing Council of the People Fancy) spring up.
* Alley Folk Allies and Feral Folk Coalition will help abandoned and feral humans.
* The following usenet groups will be set up immediately: rec.pets.people, alt.animals.cat.world-domination, rec.pets.cats.catnip-abuse and alt.sex.kitty-porn and the PFA listserve.
* In Australia, a people curfew will be introduced; humans found straying more than 1 km from a feline dwelling will be shot, even if wearing a collar.
* There will be an ethnic cleansing campaign against dogs.
* Certain breeds of human banned in Europe due to undesirable traits (blue-eyed whites etc).
* Next door's tomcat is at Number 1 in the charts with his 'Serenade, Caterwaul and Fugue in Mew Minor'.
* Ice Hockey, Soccer and Baseball leagues replaced by Roller Poopies World Series.