HELP- a call to arms!

[David Dalglish]

I have sent an E-mail.

[breacan]

Sent E-mails

[Frank]

What a shocking tale - on so many levels !

Perhaps the rep suffers from the condition which plauges so many - even in this day and age - that of enforcednonkiltedus.

The symptoms usually manifest themselves in a number of ways.

Frequently, the sufferer will spout seemimgly voluntary vocal noises about the presence of a kilt wearer being in their vicinty - clinicians will tell you that this merely a mechansim to demonstrate the operation of their observational faculty - despite the self evident innability of the higher intellectual lobes to function correctly. In many cases, the trouser/pant wearer feels drawn to repeat a number of mantras - usually concerning ambient temperature, musical intrument playing ability and suchlike.

In severe instances, victims of enforcednonkiltedus demonstrate the extent of their condition by entering the stage doctors will know as unoriginus enquiris .
This can be largely defined as that of the spontaneous need to discuss underwear with complete strangers. This in some cases is compounded by a delusional consideration that the sufferer is in some way uttering statements which are both sensible -and more importantly -original of thought.

The reasons for the existence of enforcednonkiltedus are considered to be many, but experts consider that envious-it'snotfairus are among the principle causes.

Thankfully, treament - and in most cases - a complete cure can be offered to the patient. This simply involves a simple therapy involving reading looking and seeing, along with the use of some pre-printed cards.

The reading looking and seeing can be self administered at any kilt maker/retailer, and should be used along with the cards, usually bearing the visa (or similar) logo.

Such therapy generally results in a broadened mind, a more relaxed outlook on life, and a less fraught and narrow viewpoint.

Thankfully in our enlightened days all of the above therapy is availible to all - even those in remote areas using a technology known as 'the internet'.

Those (and we must give them our sincere sympathy at all times) who survive the truly horrific experience of enforcednonkiltedus can contribute fully to the lives of those around them and once again participate in what experts call 'clothingus varieitis'

On a final note, it's always worth telling sufferers of this truly appaling condition, that should they feel the need to revert to their old ways, help, is invariably at hand.

Most districts in both the U.S. and the U.K. have nightly meetings open to all where kilting - and an astonishing number of other unrelated topics - are aired with fellow homo sapiens. Although the locations of these meetings varies from place to place, sociable activity within is generally indicated by the use of the letters B-A-R-, or L-O-U-N-G-E , or in some cases the cryptic H-O-T-E-L-.

Some such meetings may involve the use of a particular old Scottish theraputic tonic (some of it 12 years old, some 18 - some even older) made entirely from natural ingredients and served along with water, lemonade or soda. This particular tonic, when taken (though only) in appropriate quantities, in known to induce calm, kindle conversation, friendship and fellowship. A word of warning however - overuse of the tonic has been known to cause the patient to feel the need to spontaneously burst into song - some studies suggest that overuse can also be responsible for headaches - although such symptoms usually don't occur until the day after the tonic has been taken.



I commend the above to the poor chaps involved in this particular case and offer them my best wishes for a speedy outcome to their obvious cry for help.