the night I wrote the OP , I had a total of 5 "smitty's " over the course of 3 1/2 hrs. so over indulgence is not an issue.

I have a few friends who I talk to ( one of which is a forensic psycologist) and believe it or not ...typing out a little rant on a forum that knows the history of whats gone on in the past 4-5 months has been a a big help. some might say I'm a..... well..... lets just say wimp ( usually they use a word thats) because I will say how I'm feeling, or talk through the emotions that I have about a given situation ( whe apropriate of course) but when I was younger I would bottle up everything I felt till it would come to a head and someone ( emotionally), or something(physically) would get hurt/broke. I found that I didnt like myself when that happened, and even just saying " this #$$*ING SUCKS" seemed to help.
so there you have it..... I feel a little better today, the pain I feel for my Grandpa is.....not so much less than for my mom, but different. since I learned about mortality as a kid, and realized that everyone dies, I kind of prepared myself for what would happen ( hell at my mom's service I told a few friends that her dying was gonna kill my grandfather) but it still hurt seeing this man of 87 years ...that just a few months ago was still working on his back hoe digging a leach field for a septic tank, and up untill a month ago would take his ATV out for a spin about every day, laid out on a gurney with a ET tube in his nose.

and seeing my grandma's face when she asked ME her 4th or 5th grandson over her son and daughter "am I doing the right thing by pulling the plug?"

and having to explain that a massive bleed in the brain is a one way trip, that he will NEVER come back , and will always be on a ventilation machine....and YES she was doing the right thing because thats what he wanted.

well ......it #$@%ING sucked

there is going to be a wake, no funeral....my grandma donated his body to the UofA for science....another one of my grandfather's wishes. he hoped that by donating his body they might learn something of the disease process , and be able to help others.....that and being the Scottish bastard he was ( my grandma's quote) he didnt want us to have to pay for a Funeral .....lets just say he was "frugal"

I will miss him , but I know my mom was waiting at the door to take him to the party, and he's up there drinking his Clan McGregor scotch whiskey out of a plastic bottle ( like I said .....he's frugal!! ) and telling mom about how Gavin started crawling, and Kira's being a holy 2 y.o. terror.
and how I told him to say Hi for me when he got there.


KFP