Stranger: “So why are you wearing a kilt?”
Me: “I'm starting a cult, and robes make me look fat.”

Stranger: “Wow, are you Scottish?
Me: “No, I've just watched Braveheart one too many times.”

Stranger: “Is it true what they say?”
Me: “Only the part about the heavily armed polygamists sacrificing goats to Craig Ferguson in the compound in Nevada. Everything else is a dirty lie.”

Stranger: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Me: “For starters. How would you like to shave your head and meet interesting people from other planets?”