Panache and the Great Hunt for the Acryli-Beast

[BEEDEE]

Ah all this hot air spewing forth from the Christmas flag security detail, they must need all they can generate so that they can lift Panache's mighty ego of the ground.

Surely you know that the Saltire is filled with helium, a lighter than air gas that provides more than enough lift for all its crew and equipment.

We of the security detail just feel that we need to react to ANY attempt on Panache's person, whether physical or verbal. It's a result of our exceptional training by the US Secret Service Presidential Security Detail.

Ens BEEDEE XMAS Saltire Security

[starbkjrus]

Ah all this hot air spewing forth from the Christmas flag security detail, ...snip
And another thing, mock my hair if you must, but I assure you it is made from the finest poly-viscous that MacHummel had woven... excuse me weaved by Martin Mills!

Well I really can't argue with the first part....there really is a lot of hot air spewing here from what does indeed seem to be the Christmas Flag Security Detail... (Kilted Kris Kringle anyone?)

I do have to ask...if the hair is PV then what is the firm yet supple rounded butt made of?

[ccga3359]

I do have to ask...if the hair is PV then what is the firm yet supple rounded butt made of?

I would strongly recommend Sir, that you allow your mind to wander to matters that a Gentleman of your stature should be thinking about. In short, I give you 3 seconds to remove your hand from my butt!

[Panache]

Gentle Readers*,

Whilst I am most pleased that my small tale has gathered such enthusiasm amongst my readers, I would beseech you all to approach this material with a bit less fervor. My writings are meant as gentle amusements for the entertainment of our Forum’s good membership, nothing more. I would not have such mirth lead to either crudity or hostility, crude hostility, hostile crudity, and so forth. Let there be peace amongst you and allow me the task of gently spoofing you all. This tale is nearing its completion and I implore you to remain in each other's good graces, sit back, and allow it to unfold.

Your Most Humble Servant

P.

* and Grant

[The Wizard of BC]

So I guess that I shouldn't bring up the little fact that the description of the fare you enjoyed at the Empress Hotel was for Afternoon Tea not High Tea.

The difference is this;

While afternoon tea used to be an everyday event, nowadays it is more likely to be taken as a treat in a hotel, café, or tea shop, although many Britons still have a cup of tea and slice of cake or chocolate at teatime. Accordingly, many hotels now market a champagne cream tea.
Traditionally, loose tea would be served in a teapot with milk and sugar. This would be accompanied by various sandwiches (customarily cucumber, egg and cress, fish paste (bloater), ham, and smoked salmon), scones (with butter, clotted cream and jam — see cream tea) and usually cakes and pastries (such as Battenberg, fruit cake or Victoria sponge). The food would be often served in a tiered stand.

High Tea (also known as Meat Tea) is an early evening meal, typically eaten between 5 and 6 o'clock in the evening. It would be eaten as a substitute for both afternoon tea and the evening meal. The term comes from the meal being eaten at the ‘high’ (main) table, instead of the smaller lounge table. It is now largely replaced by a later evening meal.
It would usually consist of cold meats, eggs and/or fish, cakes and sandwiches. In a family, it tends to be less formal and is an informal snack (featuring sandwiches, biscuits, pastry, fruit and the like) or else it is the main evening meal.
On farms or other working class environments, high tea would be the traditional, substantial meal eaten by the workers immediately after nightfall, and would combine afternoon tea with the main evening meal.

Mentioning these little tidbits of trivia that float around in my head would of course be rude and unnecessary and I would never wish to spoil the effect of your tale so let's leave it between just you and I. I won't tell the rabble of this faux pax if you won't

[ccga3359]

So I guess that I shouldn't bring up the little fact that the description of the fare you enjoyed at the Empress Hotel was for Afternoon Tea not High Tea.

The difference is this;

While afternoon tea used to be an everyday event, nowadays it is more likely to be taken as a treat in a hotel, café, or tea shop, although many Britons still have a cup of tea and slice of cake or chocolate at teatime. Accordingly, many hotels now market a champagne cream tea.
Traditionally, loose tea would be served in a teapot with milk and sugar. This would be accompanied by various sandwiches (customarily cucumber, egg and cress, fish paste (bloater), ham, and smoked salmon), scones (with butter, clotted cream and jam — see cream tea) and usually cakes and pastries (such as Battenberg, fruit cake or Victoria sponge). The food would be often served in a tiered stand.

High Tea (also known as Meat Tea) is an early evening meal, typically eaten between 5 and 6 o'clock in the evening. It would be eaten as a substitute for both afternoon tea and the evening meal. The term comes from the meal being eaten at the ‘high’ (main) table, instead of the smaller lounge table. It is now largely replaced by a later evening meal.
It would usually consist of cold meats, eggs and/or fish, cakes and sandwiches. In a family, it tends to be less formal and is an informal snack (featuring sandwiches, biscuits, pastry, fruit and the like) or else it is the main evening meal.
On farms or other working class environments, high tea would be the traditional, substantial meal eaten by the workers immediately after nightfall, and would combine afternoon tea with the main evening meal.

Mentioning these little tidbits of trivia that float around in my head would of course be rude and unnecessary and I would never wish to spoil the effect of your tale so let's leave it between just you and I. I won't tell the rabble of this faux pax if you won't

He just "ordered some 90 odd cold weather kilts" (chapter 11). Are you sure you want to correct him? And you did just correct him of the refinements of English tea-time with a distinctive southern drawl !

[Panache]

Panache and the Great Hunt for the Acryli-Beast

A Victorian Tale of Horror told in Chapters

Chapter 17

We paid our bill and were kindly given the use of a telephone to secure the services of a taxi cab. Though we were treated with great care, I could not help but feel that the staff of the Empress dearly hoped that it would be some time before another Presidential party from Burundi came to take tea at their distinguished hotel. Even with the casual disregard for both speed limits and human life our crazed cab driver showed, it still took better part of an hour for the cab to pick us up and for us to reach the Saltire. Once entering the airship David immediately went into the interior of the zeppelin to ready the crew while Todd and I made straight for the command gondola.

Though speed was of the essence, once entering the bridge I had to pause before issuing orders to make ready to depart. My haste left me as I observed Mr. Splash carefully aligning and setting small pieces of pipe along the gondola’s interior wall.

I asked the industrious fellow “ Mr. Splash, what are you doing?”

He smiled brightly at me from his work “ I’m aligning and setting small pieces of pipe along the gondola’s interior wall.”

I sighed. “Yes, yes, I can appreciate that. Could you perhaps share exactly why you are doing so?“, I elaborated .

“Oh! Of course! Well do you remember the big coffee machine in the Wizard of BC’s laboratory?”

“Yes.”

“Well Stevie, err the Wizard said we could use it on our artic trip so he delivered it with the cold weather kilts. I’m setting up the pipe system. It’s an amazing machine. The whole thing is powered by geo-thermal energy…”

“Mr. Splash you can’t power anything by geo-thermal energy inside a zeppelin .

“Yeah well Stevie…err.. I mean his Wizardship thought of that and came up with a very clever solution…”

“Jolly good Mr. Splash carry on.” I interrupted.

McMurdo and Jake the reporter climbed down the ladder into the gondola, McMurdo was beaming.

“What an amazing airship Captain Panache!” he exclaimed.

“Thank you, that’s most kind” I replied.

“Jake took me on a tour. I couldn’t believe you had a small aircraft hangar aboard! To think you can launch a small squad of biplanes from mid air…”

“One can only image the horror of being in one of those fragile craft as their delicate wings were ripped off by the uncaring wind to send their pilots crashing to their cruel deaths on the cold hard earth below” said Jake half to us and half to his recording device.

“Indeed the Saltire is a wondrous ship” I acknowledged McMurdo while ignoring Jake. “But I must ask for a modicum of silence as we must be off. ”

“Of course” McMurdo conceded politely.

“Cast off Mooring lines” I called settling into my Captain‘s chair.

“Mooring lines cast off” came a quick reply from our bridge crew’s violinist.

“Stand by to take off”

“Ya Herr Kaptain!” came Todd's smart, though rather Germanic reply from the helm.

“Engage all engines full power…”

“How about half of the engines full power?” came a voice from the back of the gondola.

“WHAT?” I cried.

Mr. Splash came to the front of the gondola wiping his hands on a blue rag.

“Well Captain you remember how you were just talking about how geo-thermal power wouldn’t work on a zeppelin for the Wizard’s coffee maker?”

“Yes”

“Well the Wizard figured that the heat generated by our eight engines would be more than enough to power the coffee maker and keep the coffee piping hot for distribution through the entire ship.”

“I see”, I said with a definite sinking feeling settling in the pit of my stomach as Mr. Splash continued.

“So we started modifying the cooling systems of the engines. Do you know that they should operate 22% more efficiently? Absolutely amazing. We’ve been working like fiends. Mr. BEEDEE overseeing the work on the starboard side nacelles and Mr. Mender looking after the port ones. We’ve made remarkable progress for only a few hours work. Engines 1 through 4 are working wonderfully…”

“And engines 5 through 8?” I inquired.

“Well we are still putting them back together. But give us a few more hours and they will be running smoothly”.

I didn’t sigh, I groaned. I rubbed my fingers across my temple and tried to massage the pain from my head. Finally I was able to look at Mr. Splash without wincing. “Can you continue the work whilst airborne?” I said with my eyes fixed on his.

“Absolutely Sir!” he very promptly replied.

I sighed. “Todd take us aloft. Set course for due North.” I directed.

“Ja Herr Kaptain!” replied Todd in a most Teutonic manner.

“Err sir?” squeaked Mr. Splash.

“YES!” I turned to the sheepish security ensign.

“Err, the wizard also gave us this rather spiffy keen set of lights we could mount on the outside of the zeppelin and err…”

I glared.

“…um...gee...err...well I imagine that would look rather tawdry and we should just leave them here.” he finished quietly.

I turned my head over my shoulder to call to Todd “ Best speed possible then” before turning back to glare at Mr. Splash.

“Coffee sir?” Mr. Splash asked helpfully.

I shook my head and sighed.

The majestic dirigible rose upward and the drone of her engines filled the sky. In my Captain’s chair I sat back with a critical decision to make. What had begun as a quest was now a race. I waited until we had reached a proper cruising altitude and had achieved our maximum velocity, or at least the best we could hope for with only four of our eight engines operating. I called over the intercom for David to join Todd and I for a meeting of the command staff. I welcomed McMurdo’s presence at this meeting and tolerated Jake’s (so long as he managed to keep speculation of my painful demise at a minimum).

“Todd, David, and Gentlemen” I acknowledged once David had clamored down the ladder from the interior of the ship. “We have a dilemma. Todd, first off I need to ask you something. You saw the Maple Leaf. Can she beat us to the North Pole?”

Todd thought before replying “Now, yes. But with all the Saltire’s engines running, not a chance. Even with a few hours head start, if we can get back to full power, we will beat them easily by days.”

“What if we head for the Inuit tribe that the Wizard of B.C. pointed out? Could we reach them and still beat the Maple Leaf and that odd fellow Grant to the mountain at the pole?”

Todd thought carefully, “No, it's approximately 3000 miles to Ellesmere Island. If Grant is heading straight North he'll get there first, no question. It’s just too far a detour East. I’m sorry.”

I thought and sighed, “The question becomes do we race Grant and the Sinister and Obscene Kilt Syndicate to the arctic mountain and hope we find the Acryli-Beast first? Or do we risk the delay to gather more information?” I pondered more to myself than my shipmates.

I looked at the four men’s faces. My gaze came to rest on Todd’s and I made my choice.

“I have learned the importance of getting my facts correct. I would rather risk Grant finding the creature through dumb luck, than us failing to find it due to ignorance. We will head to the Inuit tribe to glean what information we can about the beast before heading to the polar mountain to begin the hunt.” I said decisively.

“There is just one problem Captain Panache.” spoke McMurdo.

“What is that?” I asked.

“Well you see Grant doesn’t know about the Inuit tribe. As far as he is concerned you are heading straight for the pole, same as him. He may not be smart enough to know that the Maple Leaf is slower than the Saltire, but his evil cohorts MacHummel or Big Mikey will. Once he is aware of this fact, his course of action will be clear. You are a threat to his plan. You humiliated him. Therefore Grant will seek to destroy you and thus eliminate his rival.” explained McMurdo patiently.

“How can you be so sure?” I demanded.

McMurdo thought, “well, first off, Grant is a wanker.”

“And second?”

“If you look off the left side of the zeppelin you will see the Maple Leaf heading straight for us!”

“Everyone on the bridge whirled about to look out the port window. Indeed in the distance we could make out the red and white shape of the blimp Maple Leaf. There was difference in the airship since we had last seen her. Now a twenty five foot long sharpened spar projected from the tip of the blimp, aimed directly at us!


To Be Continued

[Splash_4]

Hmmmmm, Impending doom at the point of a spear,,,, There is only one course of action..... Coffee sir?

[ccga3359]

Think of it as a horizontal mooring post, that is very sharp! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *cough*hahahahahaha.



BTW With English as my mother tounge, I am offended:

McMurdo thought, “welll, first off, Grant is a wanker.”

Panache there is but two L's in well not three! Please show a lttle consevationalism in your zest to show me the swishbuckling Hero of your tome.

[Wompet]

But Grant, Panache is indicating by this misspelling not grammatical error, but the way in which McMurdo made the statement - the hesitation while searching for the correct word to sum your character in its entirety; the word of course, being "wanker."

That being said, while we are all familiar with the apparatus used to hold our kilts aloft, off the floors of our respective closets, I believe McMurdo was noting the hangar of airship Saltire. For if there was but one small hanger aboardship, I for one am glad that I was not along! Kilts would have been laying about everywhere! What would His Lairdship, Hamish the Legendary, think of such a poor state of affairs?