bit of a jolt, and I don't get it.

[Larry124]

I offer my condolences.
I've lost three friends or family members in the last six months. It's a sadness.

I belong to a loosely organized and very diverse social group. Years ago we lost our first member. Then others as time passed.

Each funeral was different.

At an informal leadership meeting the subject was raised of how we might handle future funerals.

One of our (to my mind) wisest leaders said something like this:

The way that individuals and also family/friends groups deal with grief and mourning can be even more idiosyncratic than politics or religion or social values.

And in courtesy untouchable by an outsider.

A departed person is being mourned. Good faith should be assumed. Expectations and judgments are to some extent out of place.
To some extent. How much of an extent?
Mourners should not distract or offend other mourners.
As usual – and pardon the expression in this context – the devil is in the details.

[Phogfan86]

I've been to a couple of weddings where one entire side of the church was dressed in jackets and ties, lots of suits, and the other side was polos and western style shirts and jeans with the occasional khakis. You wear what you got, y'know?

My wife's mad at me because I just want to be thrown in a hole and have dirt thrown on me. End of story.

[piperdbh]

Being something of a traditionalist, I think folks should dress and act respectfully at a funeral/viewing, wedding, in court, church and a few other events. But, most folks don't much care what I think.
On the other hand, at least those folks showed up for the funeral. I've noticed funeral attendance is dropping off, and people don't send as many flowers as they used to, even before the late economic unpleasantness. I don't know why, although I have a few speculations.

[The Barry]

My condolences. Some people show respect in different ways. Some people just don't show respect, either way it is difficult to tell which is going on from first glance.

[Larry124]

In could have been worse...

From AP 4/7/09

MAGNOLIA, Ark. - Sheriff's deputies said a Texas woman started a brawl at a wake in Arkansas when she arrived with a beer can in her hand.

The woman, 52, faces a third-degree domestic battery charge, as does another woman, 46, over the March 29 fight. Deputies said the first woman arrived at the Christies Chapel Church with a beer can in hand and that she refused to leave.

The first woman then allegedly grabbed a man by the face, leaving scratch marks on his lower right cheek and causing him to bleed. The man's mother then allegedly slapped the woman and kicked another woman in the chest.

A sheriff's report claimed the woman with the beer became "passively aggressive" with deputies and said that "no backwood country cop" was going to take her to jail.

[Bob C]

Not my cup of tea either, Alan, but those folks knew their granddad. Maybe that's exactly how he would have wanted it.

[CDNSushi]

Sure sounds like a surreal experience you had. Funerals in Japan tend to be very surreal as well. The customs and traditions here would really shock many in the West (me included so I won't get into it) but as far as the code of dress is concerned, there are no options like there are in N. America. There is no such thing as telling people "don't dress formally" because even if you did, it just wouldn't register... The de facto standard is universal here and I don't think I've ever seen a variation in my six years of living here.

men: black suit, black necktie. women: black dress, black hose.

For mens' wear, the only difference between weddings and funerals is the colour of tie. Same black suit, but the tie is pure white instead of pure black. But at least just by taking a quick glance you can tell if someone is coming from a wedding or a funeral.

In any event, my condolences as well. It's always hard losing someone special.

Jim