A muscian walks into a bar...

[Big Mikey]

What's the difference between a musician and a large pepperoni pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

[Piper]

What's "perfect pitch" as it relates to bagpipes? - Being able to get them out to the middle of the pond without hitting any of the ducks.

[EagleJCS]

What do you call 10 sets of bagpipes at the bottom of a lake?

A good start.


Why do pipers walk in circles?

1) To try to get away from the noise.
2) It's harder to hit a moving target.

[haukehaien]

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
It's fun to listen to a fiddle.

How do you get a sax player out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

What do you say to a sax player wearing a suit?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."

Two brass players are in a car. Who's driving?
The police officer.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and play every third note wrong.

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just steal everyone else's light.

What do you with an orchestra member who can't learn to play?
Give him two sticks, seat him in the back and make him a drummer.

What if he still can't play?
Take away one of his sticks and put him in front of the orchestra.

What's an oboe good for?
Setting fire to a bassoon.

Timmy came home one day and said "Mommy, today we did fractions in school and I was the best! Teacher said I had fewer mistakes than anyone else!"

His mother said, "That's because you play the violin, dear."

The next day, Timmy came home and said, "Mommy, today we did spelling in school, and teacher said I spelled better than anyone else!"

His mother said, "That's because you play the violin, dear."

The next day, Timmy came home and said, "Mommy, today we measured ourselves in school and I was the tallest in the whole classroom!"

His mother said, "That's because you're 37 years old, dear."

[GDub]

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

Took him 2 hours to get his family out.

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How can you tell if a fiddle player is playing out of tune?

The bow is moving.

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What's the difference between a rock guitar player and a jazz guitar player?

One plays 3 chords to thousands of people...

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Pat, Jock, Evan and John are up for the firing squad...

The Captain of the firing squad says, "OK you lot, you each have one special request before you die."

Pat the Welshman says, "I'd like a 100 strong male voice choir from the valleys singing How Green is My Valley please?" "No problem" says the Captain.

Jock the Scotsman says, "Can I have a 100 strong pipes and drums please playing The Flowers of Edinburgh?" "Of course you can" says the Captain.

Evan the Irishman says, "What I'd really like is a 100 of those lovely long legged dancing girls all in a line doing that River Dance thing?" "Yes, can do" says the Captain.

John the Englishman asks, "Can you shoot me first?"


Sláinte!

[dadgad]

From the banjo player:

The difference between a banjo and a:

Chain Saw:

1. a chain saw has a dynamic range.
2. you can turn a chain saw off.

South American Macaw: one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.

Harley Davidson Motorcycle: you can tune a Harley.

[Ozark Ridge Rider]

The difference between a bull and an orchestra:

On the bull, the horns are in the front and the a** is in back. In an orchestra, the horns are in back and ...

[SteveB]

The definition of a gentleman:
A man that knows how to play the Bagpipes and refrains.

[joeyriv]

How do you make a rhythm guitarist's car go faster?

- Take the pizza delivery sign off the top


What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?




- Homeless

[Lachlan09]

Here’s a corny old schoolboy cartoon joke. A cruise liner has gone down in mid-ocean and floating on the waves are two of the ship’s orchestra, the double bass player, sitting astride his bass and the drummer, sitting on top of his bass drum. The bass player says to the drummer “I wonder whatever happened to the piccolo player ?”