Threat Levels

**Geoff Withnell** · 2nd November 10, 06:33 PM

There is a small Scottish component:

NEW THREAT LEVELS

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terroris threats, and have therefore raised their security level from Miffed to Peeved. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to Irritated or even A Bit Cross. The English have not been at A Bit Cross since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome to A Bloody Nuisance. The last time the British issued a Bloody Nuisance warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from Pissed Off to Let's get the Bastards. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in Franceare Collaborate and Surrender. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from Shout Loudly and Excitedly to Elaborate Military Posturing. Two more levels remain: Ineffective Combat Operations and Change Sides.

The Germans have increased their alert state from Disdainful Arrogance to Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs. They also have two higher levels: Invade a Neighbor and Lose.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they're concerned with is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Spain is excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully-designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels--from baaa to BAAAA! Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is I hope Australia will come and rescue us...

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from No worries! to She'll be alright, mate. Three more escalation levels remain: Crikey!, I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend and The barbie is cancelled! So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Geoff Withnell

**be da veva** · 2nd November 10, 06:38 PM

He he he

**Standard** · 2nd November 10, 06:51 PM

"Let's get the bastards!"

**Spc. Scott** · 2nd November 10, 10:24 PM

Having met a few Aussies when deployed I have to say I agree that the barbie is never canceled.

They were some cool soldiers.

**macshorty** · 3rd November 10, 12:27 AM

"Pissed off" to "Let's get the bastards."

Yep, that sounds like a Scot to me!!

**Jock Scot** · 3rd November 10, 02:17 AM

Yes one really ought to take the situation seriously-------another dram methinks, before going to bed.

**artificer** · 3rd November 10, 02:45 AM

Great joke to end/start the day with! (when does a day begin if you're basically up all night?)

Originally Posted by Jock Scot

Yes one really ought to take the situation seriously-------another dram methinks, before going to bed.

Uhm, Jock... Isn't it quarter-of-10ish in the morning your time? I'm afraid that at this point it's "another dram afore I go out for a morning stroll"!

**Tartan Tess** · 3rd November 10, 02:45 AM

That was funny. THANKS!

**Jock Scot** · 3rd November 10, 02:52 AM

Originally Posted by artificer

Great joke to end/start the day with! (when does a day begin if you're basically up all night?)

Uhm, Jock... Isn't it quarter-of-10ish in the morning your time? I'm afraid that at this point it's "another dram afore I go out for a morning stroll"!

Under normal circumstances you would be quite right. But due to a couple of unthinking blank blank blank blank blank blank, stupid, unprepared,selfish idiots who got themselves lost out on the hills last night I am going to bed now!

Oh and THEY are now safe and sound!

**artificer** · 3rd November 10, 03:04 AM

Originally Posted by Jock Scot

Under normal circumstances you would be quite right. But due to a couple of unthinking blank blank blank blank blank blank, stupid, unprepared,selfish idiots who got themselves lost out on the hills last night I am going to bed now!

Oh and THEY are now safe and sound!

Ah! In that case, enjoy your dram.

Wish I could join you, but it's quite nearly 0500 here, and the day is just about to begin. I find it begins better with tea... well, maybe not better, but I'm certainly not about to drive all over town after starting my day with Whisky.

Now if today was a lie-in sort of day and the sprog were out of town, I'd seriously consider joining you in a dram and then going for an extended nap.