I need "Toasts"

[Tartan Tess]

My man and I have been asked to provide the toasts "To the Lads and the Lassies" for our Saint Andrews Society Robert Burns Dinner.
Ideas please....

[Graham A. Robieson]

Greetings,

Should Auld Lang Syne be forgotten and never brought to mind, then we can raise our glasses to the man who wrote...remember absent friends...for A' Man's A Man For A' That.

I hope this is can help to be added to your toast,


All the best,


Graham

[Chas]

I have given the Toast to the Lasses before and will be doing so again this coming Burns Night.

The best formula I have found is the self-depreciating joke. Where the man thinks he is being witty or wise or clever only to turn the joke at the last and produces a punchline that praises the wife and puts himself down.

If done cleverly, there need only be the one joke. They say that a good Toast to the Lasses is 5 - 8 minutes long and one joke could be stretched, with embellishments to last that long.

The type of joke I mean, is the man who thinks that his wife is going deaf. He decides to give her a test. Walking towards her from the back, at about 100 yards he calls out "What time is it darling?" - No response.
At 50 yards he calls out the same again - still no response.
Finally he is almost upon her and he calls again.
The wife whips around and says - For the third time, it's 2 o'clock!

Off the top of my head, I don't know a wife type joke, but ideally if the two jokes could be paired - as in, the same theme, then I think they would be better received.

Regards

Chas

[piperdown]

Chas hit the nail on the head perfectly...

I used this one last year at our burns night..."On the way over here tonight I asked my wife what she loved most about me. Was it my dashing good looks, my firm trim body or witty intellect. Without a second thought she said, your sense of humour dear".

Good luck

[rocscotjoe]

this requires a little bit of set-up, or you can "wing it"

"When Andy and Bob spoke with me about offering this toast, I could not believe my good fortune. As a young boy I was glued to the TV each week for her show, and who among us wasn’t thrilled by the adventures she had with Timmy, or wouldn’t want June Lockhart for their Mom?"

Andy or Bob come up and whisper in my ear

"Oh, no…this isn’t a toast to Lassie?...seems I have made a serious error…"

Throw out several pages

(i did this as a poem)

We gather on this wintry night
To honor Burn’s bright shining light
And perhaps to share a bite
And a wee dram or two

But what’s a night without a lass
Rabbie Burns himself would dare not pass
The chance to grab himself ...a glass
And drink the health of me and you

Now Rabbie had himself an eye
Seems he never let a day go by
He’d have some lass swoon my-oh-my
Name of Jean, or Mary, if he knew….

So on this night we note his life
And celebrate our lass or wife
Without whom what would life be like
Do we really want to know?

So join me lads, lift up your glasses
And toast the health and beauty of all our lasses!

To the lasses!

the crowd seemed to enjoy it...

[Irish Jack O'Brian]

I just came across this Burns site and thought they had some very good toasts and ideas.
http://www.robertburns.plus.com/launchrb.htm

Look at Toast to the Lassies http://www.robertburns.plus.com/SupperLassies.htm

"Quickies

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."

[McConnell Mor]

Easy Fix..... To the Prince Charles Edward Staurt and the Bishop of Rome!!

[Tartan Tess]

Thank you for these ideas. They are great and I am laughing!
Keep 'em coming

[piperdown]

Here's the toast I used last year...similar to rocscotjoe.

Gentlemen please stand........

Together we stand, here in praise
for the women around us and in our days.
Like Robert Burns, he once knew
that we love our lassies though he had more than a few.

When in our arms they bring us untold pleasure,
these are our lassies, for they are a true treasure.
We seek to marry them it is said,
for nothing more than to get them to...wed.

They teach us manners, they teach us style,
for many of us that would take quite a while.
They improve with age while we do not
for that is quite clear, looking at you lot.

For the parcel of rouges I see here tonight,
it is truly amazing our lasses don't take flight
for they put up with our habits and we have all sorts,
such as control of the remote and our preoccupation with sports.

But.....
tonight we stand, here in praise
so join me lads, let your voices raise.
Prepare to toast, fill up your glasses
Join me now, to our bonnie lasses.

To the lasses!!!!!

This seemed to work well. No one chucked anything.

[ANCIENT OGILVIE HUNTING]

A quicky that the old boys in the pubs used to say was

In the mooth an roon the gums
look ott belly here she comes
tae us an wha's like us