Advice for men about to be married

[AKScott]

It occurs to me that we have

A: a large amount of the traffic here is from men making the transition from bachelorhood to wedded bliss and B: a significant number of men who seem to be relatively happy with their marriages.

So.

Observation number one:

The number of married men who can remember what their wedding colors were after their 20th wedding aniversary is two. The number of married men who can remember whether or not their bride enjoyed her wedding day is all of them.

Rule number one:

WRT observation number one, the correct answer is not "I don't care" but rather, "What makes you happy?"

Corollary number one:

WRT to rule number one, if you do care you must say so. Gently.

Say she has selected a china pattern that Liberace would describe as tacky. You don't, in this scenario, want to see these plates again and again at every major holiday for the rest of your life.

Your bride, I assure you, is not caving in when she asks you "What will make you happy?" You aren't getting the Ducks Unlimited plates with the shotgun shells painted on the rim of the plates, and the major breeds of gundogs painted into the bottom of all the soup bowls. Oh no. She wants to build relationship with you, not procure man china.

What you do is A) go quietly buy a few pieces of the Liberace tacky pattern and dribble them out as gifts over the years to show you were listening and B) pray to God Almighty on bended knee with sweating brow that you can reach a compromise of the sort that won't cause your man friends to mock you.

Looking forward to similar sorts of additional guidance.

[BonnetMaker]

Its an old one, but Never go to bed on an argument. Even if you are convinced you are right and they are wrong, find some neutral ground, say 'we'll finish discussing this particular issue another time, but in the greater scheme of things, I really do love you and want us to be happy together' or words to that general effect. Waking up unhappy with each other is a Bad Thing and doesn't lead to a happy marriage (or any other sort of relationship come to that).

Accept that women remember the details of past arguments better than men, I have no idea why, but it does seem to be one of those facts. You will not win if you try to compare this discussion/argument to that discussion/argument.

Get into the habit of telling each other how wonderful you think they are as often as possible no matter how long you have been together. Believe me, having someone open their eyes in the morning after 15 or more years of living with you, and the first thing they say (despite the fact you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards at that stage) is 'you are the most wonderful person I know' will make the other person happy for a week. Love is a fabulous thing, and shouldn't be taken for granted.

Wishing everyone getting wed a long and joyful life together.

[Bugbear]

I have no advice.
But I do have a collection of rooster theme dishes.

I'm not married of corse.

[Dustybaer]

perfect timing, since i'm about to get married on the 30th of may. for the second time, i mind you, so that should tell you how much i enjoy being married.

help a fellow kilt-wearer and bring on that good advice, that will keep me from having to go for number three

[NewEnglander]

If you're really early on in the process...

Apparently just giving her the engagement ring isn't enough. You then have to actually PLAN the wedding. Or so I've been told (just over a year after proposing)

[ForresterModern]

Beware the old recurrent theme and be on the lookout for signs of it:

This is by no means a stereotype or blast against men or women, but, oft times before a marriage each potential partner has future expectations of the other. Sometimes the woman takes up many of her man's hobbies to spend time with and engage him, even though they do not like the hobbies as much as the man, and after the marriage they will often cease being interested in them. To the man the woman seems to "change" from interesting and co-active before the wedding to less so after. The man expects the woman to never change from what she was when they were dating and is often disappointed when they do change, become more settled and less interested in partying and bar-hopping and some outdoor activities and such. The inverse occurs as well, with the woman sometimes expecting the man to "settle down" after the wedding, while the man expects to keep up the pre-wedding lifestyle. I.e., the woman expects the man to change after the wedding, when oft times he does not desire to do so. In short, Man expects woman to NEVER change and she does, Woman expects man to change and he NEVER does. Beware falling into this trap (not set by one or the other party but both). Make sure before the commitment that the things you do together indeed are interesting to both of you, and that you each initiate doing the activities an equal percentage of the time. Also, be prepared to realize that we all do have to grow up sometime to some degree, and speak long and hard about your life plans together, and be prepared for those plans to not necessarily come true as in your dreams, but always be prepared to work with your mate to reset them and re-establish new plans when a fork in the road is encountered. Careers, kids, where you are going to live, what your long term goals are for later life and retirement, what your short term goals are for enjoyment along the pathway to getting there (do you want a boat or motorcycle or sports car, a big house, international travel, etc...). That is really what getting to know your future spouse is about, making sure that you truly are compatible, because so often pre-wedding it is about dancing and drinking and partying with friends during and after school and your first jobs, and the future is really ignored or at least "pie in the sky". Take each other seriously in everything you do or say, and remember that anything said, even in jest, has at least a kernel of truth or true feeling behind it.

Fall in love, make it work, realize that the small things oft times matter more to one partner than the other, and that is where compromise is easy. It is the big things wehre compromise is hard and requires work and understanding.

[Oldhiker]

married almost 40 years, I learned early on that I needed to learn the fine art of compromise....


Do it her way!

[rmckay]

After 12 years of marriage I have found something similar to what AKScott says.

You will hear that the most important words a married man can learn are "Yes, Dear", and to a point that is true, because you will use them alot. The real trick though is trying to find out when is the correct time to use the phrase. It is not , I repeat is not, an always sutiable response.

My wife at least has times where she is really wanting my opinion or wants me to step up and say No, not just give in to what she says and if I just say "Yes, Dear" all the time that really ticks her off. In other words guys learn by her expressions and heck even what the conversation is about when its time to give in to her wishes because it will make her happy thus making you happy, and when its time to gently, but firmly, say No. Just be prepared to explain to her why you are saying no afterwards.

[Dustybaer]

and LISTEN to her.

just imagine a question like: "do i look fat in this?" and you say "yeas dear"

[Father Bill]

Another wonderful life-saving / wife-saving response can be "I don't know, Dear - what do YOU think?"

(thirty-nine years and counting!)