I've always had a social anxiety problem, then piled PTSD induced hypervigilance on top of it. The strange thing is that concerts and theaters don't bother me as much as malls, fairs and bars. Part of it is that in a theater or at a show most everyone is there for the same reason. In truly public settings where people are "just there" it's different, and I usually find myself skirting the edges of the crowd, stopping in corners, moving along walls, scanning for activity that doesn't fit, watching people's hands, and really sizing up anyone who makes eye contact with me. Plus, I'm just not good at approaching people in crowds and stay pretty quiet unless someone else starts conversation with me. A few hours at a crowded park, a bar, a restaurant, or a crowded grocery store are actually mentally and physically exhausting for me. It's harder than a 10K after three days with no sleep.

In the military I sometimes had to interact with the public at just these types of places, such as airshows, fleetweek, etc. There were random people with random motivations running around doing random things. What I noticed is that being in something as conspicuous as a uniform in these settings actually helped and have found the same thing with the kilt. It's not the confidence that comes from wearing something with a purpose or a connection to something greater--at least not for me. It means that my position among these people is established without saying or doing anything, so it takes a lot of the questions and variables out of the equation. It lets John Q. Public know where I stand immediately, and eliminates any wonder about whether I stand out and more importantly why I stand out. Add to that the people who approach me and start up conversations, ask questions, etc. and I'm usually distracted from all the things that make my blood pressure skyrocket. I have no more or no less confidence when kilted...I just get to think about other things, and they are MUCH less emotionally, mentally and physically draining than the HV stuff I go through when wearing pants in a crowded area. Standing out actually helps more than blending in. It sounds ridiculous, but it works for me.

There are times I opt for pants instead of the kilt, but I usually leave that to times where drawing attention would be a bad thing, such as a wedding or a funeral, unless I was specifically asked to wear it, or they gave me permission when I asked. And I usually do ask if I know them well. I will opt out of the kilt at other times as well, but have found that it isn't because the kilt will make me feel awkward, but because I know the people I'm going with will feel awkward. Even if they're used to being around me in a kilt, they aren't quite used to the attention that gets focused in their general direction(but misses them) or the fact that they tend to fade into the background standing next to me. Making your friends feel invisible can be a worse feeling than feeling the same way yourself, so I try to take that into consideration as well.