Divorce in my future?

[David White]

Hi All,

So now, the issue of trust, and her belief that I am doing something illicit and wrong on the computer has reared its ugly head again.... I will add that one of her best friends' husbands is an unemployed computer geek who is addicted to internet porn, so that doesn't help.

Mediation, Mediation, mediation.....

Everyone surfs the net.
Why does your wife fear that you are looking at porn??
I think there is much more thats meets the eye.

dave

[Alan H]

I'm sorry. I'd agree with the counselor suggestions. It's a good idea, been there, done that and while it did me no good at all, it helped my wife, so it was worth it.

Only you know whether she has just cause to not trust your online time. I can't even begin to comment on that.

If she pitches "divorce or separation, no options, my way or no way" with utterly no room for discussion, well.... that's not Love, my friend. Only you know how or why the realtionship got to a point where she'd say that.

good luck, mate. This is tough. I've very nearly been where you are, now.

[macsim]

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's hard to say from the brief info given here and I'm no expert anyway, but it sounds like there is something going on that goes beyond the computer. The compter may be a symptom or a convenient "fall guy" but I doubt it is the root cause. I'd bet there is more to it. I would say with several others here to try counseling. A marriage is a sacred bond and breaking that bond should never be done in haste. I will say this - I don't know what your religious beliefs may be but I have had friends who went to secular counselors and the focus is generally on how you "feel," what will make you "feel better," what do you want, do what's right for you, etc. A good minister or Christian counselor (and granted, not all of them are good just as secular counselors aren't all bad) should focus on keeping you together and finding and healing the problem(s). It won't be easy but what in life that is worth having is ever easy? If you save your marriage the rewards will far outweigh any hardship. Hang in there my brother.

[Mike n NC]

Hi All,

First, let me say my absence has been due to a couple of factors. One, my new teaching position has taken a lot of time, as I am writing and preparing for two courses, and second, my wife didn't like me spending much time on the computer....

So, because of the new teaching position, I have had to work late into the evening, on the computer, preparing powerpoint presentations, outlines, handouts, etc.....

So now, the issue of trust, and her belief that I am doing something illicit and wrong on the computer has reared its ugly head again.... I will add that one of her best friends' husbands is an unemployed computer geek who is addicted to internet porn, so that doesn't help.

On the way to work this morning, she calls me on my cell phone and offers a separation/divorce and for me to move out with no strings attached - and doesn't seem to want to discuss this trust issue, or any others that we are having.

Anyway, I don't want a divorce or separation, but she says that she really hates me.

Do I just accept this, and move on, and deal, or do I continue to try to establish some dialogue and try to figure out why she lacks trust?

BTW, this is another reason why I never made it to any festivals or outings - she never wanted to go and expressed her displeasure in my interest in the kilt community.

I won't even try to advise you beyond saying "get help"...for you, for her, for the situation and that I will keep you in my thoughts.

I do wonder what the "true" cause of her problems are since the ones mentioned are far, far too slight to generate this kind of reaction.

Mike

[jjoseph]

I hope you both find resolution a path that will be best for each of you. Coming from a blended family I do have to say, "It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one." Best wishes.

[Archangel]

...I just keep thinking how bad it is to answer cell phones while driving....



Seriously, sounds tough, and sad. You're getting some good advice here, though.

[Riverkilt]

Bummer,

Gotta tell you, was married for 20 years. Looking back ove my life the divorce was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. She went out and got a life. I went out and got a life.

Adult dating can be LOTS of fun. The Internet has made finding a new partner easy and fun. Been single now 17 years since the divorce and have had a lot more fun than if we'd stayed together and "tried" to work it out. We're still friendly and can be at our daughter's home together for our grandkids birthdays and holidays...even with our current dates.

Make the decision you need to make. Just know if you decide to divorce there's a wonderful world of fun and happiness possible as a single adult.

Don't know if it matters, but I'm a licensed professional counselor with a graduate major in marriage and family therapy.

Ron