How To Make A Woman Happy.

**Shay** · 14th February 06, 10:20 AM

Well, it was easier than making up a list of my own... Not that I could think of anything to criticize from the husband's expectations of marriage....

It's not difficult to make a man happy. A woman only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a sister
5. a mother
6. a slave
7. a short order cook
8. a decorator
9. a social director
10. a childcare expert
11. a housemaid
12. a seamstress
13. a fashion consultant
14. a whore in the sheets
15. a Madonna in the streets
16. a therapist
17. a pharmacist
18. a genius
19. a familial relationship maintainer
20. a straight man
21. a card and letter writer
22. a mother as good as his was
23. very organized
24. sympathetic
25. a photo taker
26. warm, but not to his friends too much
27. attentive when he wants it, non-attentive when he's busy
28. non-threatening to his ideas of masculinity
29. intelligent, but not let on as much
30. funny, but not funnier than him
31. creative, as long as it's crafty and not actually building or fixing stuff (see 28 )
32. tender, but not mushy
33. strong, but not able to pull down his arm in a match
34. understanding, of what the heck he means by grunts.
35. tolerant of his weird friends, looney family, and annoying relations
36. prudent with the checkbook- "Still saving for that boat, honey!"
37. nonambitious- no need to move to where my job is if you've got a lower-paying one right here!
38. capable of taking care of children... even if you don't have any because once he gets a cold...
39. courageous, but not too much- it's okay to squoosh a spider, but not okay to whack a snake with his golf clubs
40. determined to eke out some conversation after a long day, even if it's just argument over the price of milk at different grocery stores.
41. true to him always and forever. If you cheat on a woman, you break her heart. If you cheat on a man, you break his balls.
42. always ready with a suggestion of what to do, no matter how many times he's turned down your ideas
43. passionate no matter how uninspiring last time was, and the time before that, and the time before that, and the time before that...
44. compassionate when he's not inspired either. (But never relieved!)

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give him ____ regularly (fill in your own act there)
46. pretend to love sports
47. be not so honest in some areas
48. be a helpmeet, whatever the bleep that is
49. not stress him out
50. not even think of looking at other men

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give him lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give him lots of time, especially time for himself and his buds
53. give him lots of space, never worrying about where he goes or how much he spends

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* his favorite sports teams
* his family's way of doing things- i.e.- the right way.
* Monday night is Game Night.

55. Buy him a kilt!

**Colin** · 14th February 06, 10:24 AM

Originally Posted by Shay

54. Never to forget:
* Monday night is Game Night.

Game Night!!! Are you crazy? 24 is on that night!

Good list Shay, a little outdated, but still funny and mostly true.

**Shay** · 14th February 06, 10:50 AM

Alrighty..

56. must know Jack!

**ByDand** · 14th February 06, 10:56 AM

Shay, the list is awesome, except for maybe # 22. Not going to happen, not now not anytime in the future, not ever! Moms will always be number 1 unless she resembled Atilla the Hun! ;)

**Livingston** · 14th February 06, 11:27 AM

[QUOTE=Shay]Generally, if you're happy, we're happy. QUOTE]

I'm at a loss for words

**way2fractious** · 14th February 06, 11:44 AM

Originally Posted by Shay

Generally, if you're happy, we're happy.

Dr. Laura and Dr. Kreider, both female, seem to think women are the complicated ones and men pretty uncomplicated. The first good doctor has printed something to the effect that, "It's hard to find a good man, but very easy to keep one."

**Southern Breeze** · 14th February 06, 12:41 PM

Shay, great list!

**KiltedCodeWarrior** · 14th February 06, 09:47 PM

A related list on how men and women shower... (maybe this thread should be titled the differences between men and women!)

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk into bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Make mental note...Must do more sit-ups.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

Wash your hair with Cucumber Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner, enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes, until red.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. You must make sure that it has all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area, but decide to get it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit.

Tweeze hairs.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover any exposed areas, then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.

Leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the "woo-woo" sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No)

Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ***.

Get in shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth...You don't use one.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

Crack up at how loud your farts sound in the shower.

Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

Pee (in the shower).

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror. Flex muscles. Admire the wiener size again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.

Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.