What is Jonesing?

[Dale Seago]

Now, imagine you are a kilt addict, and you just ordered your next kilt. You are now jonesing.

I would amend the description to add just one wee thing, to wit:

Now, imagine you are a kilt addict, and you just ordered your next kilt, and you know it's going to be _X_ weeks (or months) before you receive it. You are now jonesing.

[llyd]

Dahtah Jones! Dahtah Jones!

[ForresterModern]

The thing about "jonesing" is that there are a myriad of varieties of it----a regular jones is when you order a kilt and wait for its arrival, but it can be double trouble as it starts when you order it, may be amplified when you find out it will not ship immediately (most have to be custom made), amplified again when the maker sends you that email notifying you it has been shipped only made worse by the cruelty of including a shipping tracking code so that you may even further be tormented by checking its tracking status every five minutes as you electronically watch your next "fix" wend its way across an ocean and then cross-country, aching in your belly with each new updated stop along the way until, of course while you are at work, notification is made online that an "attempted" delivery was made but not consummated because a signature was required and nobody was home, so the hole in your belly has to gape even further for another 24 hours as you sign the pink delivery slip snd stick it back on your front door for the delivery service to leave it on your doorstep today (all the while hoping the slip does not blow off the door in the wind), so you tape it there with about 4 extra pieces of tape, then you have to go to work while salt is poured on your open gaping abdominal wound knowing that you have 9 hours til you get home to the soon to be waiting package. You are totally worthless at work as you cannot quit checking the tracking site until you see its status updated to "delivered", then spend the last few hours at work walking around like you have to pee really badly as you are extremely excited like a kid in a toy store, die another death as you have to stop for groceries or gas on the way home, another agonizing delay, then of course traffic is horrible and the lights are all against you, then you are finally home and throw down your work gear and race to the front door like a kid on xmas morning to find a package, the holy grail of packages, there, a small relief as the excruciating pain takes over when you cannot focus on how to most quickly open the box (why did they have to use so much tape, d@%$ it) practically chewing your way into the package like a starving dog, then another small touch of relief when you see it for the first time, see it and touch it and hold it. You race to your bedroom to drop trou' (aahhh crap, forgot to take off my shoes and can't get my pant legs over them!), then finally unwrap and strap that beauty around your waist with a short sigh of relief AAAAHHHHHH that feels so GOOOOD. What? What are those white zig zag threads keeping my pleats from swishing? BASTING STITCHES which take another 5-15 minutes to remove because your hands are now shaking so much (I don't care what they say it is never one snip and the whole thread comes out with one pull!). Then finally you can again strap on that new baby and twirl in front of the mirror to watch the pleats move. You grab the camera and --oh no, the wife is not home to take pictures! Have to post on xmarks that I got my new kilt but must have pictures so you shoot some in the bathroom mirror wearing short navy blue dress sockes and your penny loafers, without a proper kilt belt or pin, but can't qite get that pleat shot because your head doesn't spin around 360 degrees like a hoot owl's. So you grab some proper kilt hose, a kilt belt, sporran and strap, and some appropriate shoes (the best you have at the moment, they will have to do), WHERE ARE MY FLASHES, and, GOD this shirt looks terrible with the tartan---have to change, but into what? Where is that tatersall buttondown anyway. Oh good honey is home-----here dear is the camera, oh welcome home kiss kiss, here shoot some pictures of me in my new kilt SO I CAN POST THEM ON XMARKS because without pictures it didn't happen, d@&* the batteries are dead, must find more batteries.........


Okay, now do you have the idea about what a jones is ? There are a variety of jones variants---what happens when you are a little short on cash and have to order your own tartan, then wait a while while the funds reaccumulate before you can send it to your kilt maker to have her/him sew it up, then suffer while it rises slowly through their pile until it is your turn, get that email offering various pleating options and asking for final measurement changes? an extended jones of course, with multiple exacerbations. What about if you have to have tartan custom woven as your desired is not in stock at the moment? What if it gets stuck in customs? What if it arrives but heaven forbid does not fit or is structurally not right (sorry den--been there too) and you HAVE TO SEND IT BACK and start all over again, maybe more than once, maybe three times (hats off to den)?

Getting the idea yet? The world is a cruel place, especially when you are waiting, as patiently as possible, for your kilt. That is why it is probably best for most newbies to maybe order a Stillwater, because Jerry has it on your doorstep before you finish punching your credit card numbers into the computer keyboard. I do not believe anyone has ever filed a "Stillwater jones", no I do not think those two words have ever been utilized in the same sentence except maybe something like "The best news is that with a Stillwater thrifty purchase there is practically no jones because it arrives before you have even decided what tartan to choose."

There are innumerable variants of "the jones"---just do a title search for "jones" and see what pops up---it is a very individual thing despite all having the same common endgame theme. IT could be for a kilt, or a custom made sporran, or a sgian, or maybe a belt, or some tartan or diced hose, it does not really matter. You can even pre-jones when you have to wait til payday jonesing to be able to order your item of desire, then jones again waiting for it to arrive as above. you can-re-jones if you have to send it away for alterations because you put on a few pounds over christmas. Think of all the possibilities. It is endless. Then it starts all over again with your next order of something kilt related.

Next you find yourself at a twelve step meeting-----"Hi, my name is xxxxx and I am a kiltaholic. Crowd responds "Hi xxxxx." Okay I think you may be getting the idea about now.

Any more questions about the jones? Glad I could help. Excuse me, I think I need a shower now.

Jeff

[Dale Seago]

The thing about "jonesing" is that there are a myriad of varieties of it. . .

You have SO nailed the feeling!!

[llyd]

It is a much different jones when you make your own kilts...and have to go to work...cook dinner...mow the grass..etc...

[Ryan Ross]

You have SO nailed the feeling!!

Oh yea. And that was a really epic post, too... someone should post it into the FAQ section, or something. Very good (and amusing) read!

[davidlpope]

And that was a really epic post, too... someone should post it into the FAQ section, or something.

That would really be helpful....if anyone ever looked at the FAQ......

[Wife]

post deleted

[Ozark Ridge Rider]

Painful anticipation spiced with a good dollop of impatience.

Wow, what a poet!!!

[Mike_Oettle]

Thank you, Jeff, for your excruciatingly detailed description of a jones.
Mine is becoming a bit stretched (stressed?) out because when the kiltmaker popped the kilt in the post, he got the postcode wrong. He contacted me a couple of days ago to say it had bounced back to him. Now I am hoping it will arrive in the next two days.
Funny enough, a similar thing happened to the hose I ordered – except that in this case it was to have been posted (along with other orders) but was overlooked while the owner of the business was away. So he has also popped the item in the post this week. Will I get them too? Will they be delayed?
Not serious, though, as I have other socks I can wear.
More importantly, a sporran is also on its way to me. When will that come?
When they do arrive, pictures will be posted (provided I can find the camera download lead! – even electronic pictures have their downside).
Regards,
Mike