Pun Wars

[Dreadbelly]

Ever heard about the two monks and formed a string duet and wore pants while performing?

Lyre, lyre, pants on friars.

[Dreadbelly]

There was once a might king of Fiji that liked to collect thrones of all shapes and sizes. Over the years, his collection grew and grew and finally there were just to many for his hut. So he ordered that a massive hut be built, with two stories, a grand stair case, and a massive gallery to store his thrones.

When the hut was finished, he moved all of his thrones in, and that night, he settled in to bed. In the middle of the night, the hut collapsed, killing him.

The moral of the story is, people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[MrLion]

"A horse goes into a bar, and the bartender asks him, 'Why the long face?' "

[Fearnest]

Times are hard at the monastery. They decide to sell fish and chips to the local populace to raise money, and install a sales window in the monastery wall.

A local man becomes a regular customer, and he is always served by the same man each night. After a couple of months, he is surprised to find a different man at the sales window.

He says "You're not the man I usually buy from - is he all right?"

The man replies "Oh, you must usually buy from the fish friar. I'm the chip monk."

[Dreadbelly]

* Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
* Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
* What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
* What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
* Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
* What is a cat's favourite song? Three Blind Mice.
* What did the freshman computer science major say when he was told that the work stations had mice? Don't you have a cat?
* What is a cat's way of keeping law & order? Claw Enforcement.
* How did a cat take first prize at the bird show? He just jumped up to the cage, reached in, and took it.
* Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court? For kitty littering.
* Why did the litter of communist kittens become capitalists? Because they finally opened their eyes.
* Why are cats better than babies? Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.
* What is the name of the unauthorized autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
* What do you get when you cross an elephant with a cat? A big furry creature that purrs while it sits on your lap and squashes you.
* What does a cat do when it gets mad? It has a hissy fit.
* What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.
* What happened when the cat went to the flea circus? He stole the whole show!
* What is a cat's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple!
* Where does a cat go when it loses its tail? The retail store.
* What does a cat like to eat on a hot day? A mice cream cone.
* What do cats use to make coffee? A purrcolator.
* What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.
* If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on? Their paws.
* Why is the cat so grouchy? Because he's in a bad mewd.
* If there are ten cats on a boat and one jumps off, how many cats are left on the boat? None! They were copy cats.
* Is it bad luck if a black cat follows you? That depends on whether you're a man or a mouse.
* How does the cat get its own way? With friendly purrsuasion.
* What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew.
* What has more lives than a cat? A frog because it croaks every night.
* What is a cat's favourite subject in school? HISStory.
* What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
* How do cats end a fight? They hiss and make up.
* What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?" It's raining cats and dogs.
* Why are cats such good singers? Because they're very mewsical.
* What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to owner? Chain litter.
* What is the cat's favourite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
* How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
* Why do you always find the cat in the last place you look? Because you stop looking after you find it.
* If a cat can jump five feet high, then why can't it jump through a three foot window? Because the window is closed.
* What is a cat's favourite movie? "The Sound of Mewsic."
* What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas? Sandy Claws.
* Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't? Your lap.
* Why did the cat put oil on the mouse? Because it squeaked.
* What side of the cat has the most fur? The OUT-side.
* What is a cat's favourite car? The Catillac.
* What kind of cat will keep your grass short? A Lawn Meower.
* Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats? Because each of them was guilty of purrjury.
* What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
* Why did the cat run from the tree? Because it was afraid of the bark!
* Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.

[Rusty]

A young lady went to Scotland on holiday. She saw a fellow wearing a kilt so she asks him, "is it true that Scotsmen don't wear underwear?" The Scotsman replies, put yer hand up me kilt lassie and find oot fer yerself. So, she puts her hand under his kilt, gives a squeal and jerks her hand back.... Ooohh it's gruesome! She says with a look of shock on her face. Aye Lassie put yer hand back it's gruesome more !

[Fearnest]

Most rules of thumb suck.

[Big Mikey]

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He lays awake nights wondering if there really is a dog.




Two shriners meet at a convention. One says "You were here last year." The second says "Yes, I was and so were you." The first says "Excuse me, I can't remember your name but your fez is familiar."



Who is green and shows up in your backyard on March 17?


Pattie O'Furniture!





In the great state of Alabama, on a huge cotton plantation, two brother boll weevils are born. Bubba, the older brother is very ambitious. He recruits some fleas and forms a grand flea circus. He and his troop travel across the US giving performances at sold out theatres. He becomes so famous that Ringling Brothers give him a contract. He then travelled the world and made a fortune. His brother did nothing, even his name has been forgotten yet he is the one that people remember for he was...............................................





THE LESSER OF TWO WEEVILS!!!!!!!

[Eujeankilt]

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who went up to a hot dog vendor in Central Park and said make me one with everything.


Dale

[Fearnest]

Quasimodo, the bell ringer at the Cathedral of Notre Dame finally went on to his final reward. Obviously, they needed a replacement! The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer`s job.

Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But. . .you have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man: "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don`t know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet}

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition. The armless man`s brother picked up the mallet, and played the carillon as beautifully as had his brother the day before. As he finished the audition, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop`s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don`t know his name," sighed the distraught bishop...

"....but he`s a dead ringer for his brother."