Girlfriend Problems

[ozone]

As a new father may i offer some unaskedfor advice?

GO WITH YOUR BABY MAMA TO HER DR. APPOINTMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

or you will seriously regret it.

ALSO: got get some couples counseling if you are having arguments about stupid stuff like wearing a kilt. Trust me, there is something bigger going on if she's pissed about what you are wearing....so pay attention and go get help if you need it. Where's Ron from AZ to chime in here?!?

[solstice]

My friend Die-Anna (her spelling) got me a t-shirt that states it quite clearly:
It's a kilt ....


Dumba-- !

I think it'd go well with a Black Watch from your favorite kilt maker and it'd shut the mouthy ones up.


CT - Your opinion should matter most to you, pleasing the narrow-minded isn't an option.

I am so going to have to get a shirt like that!
Black Watch is nice but I was actually contemplating a California from SK, I really like the look of that tartan!

As a new father may i offer some unaskedfor advice?

GO WITH YOUR BABY MAMA TO HER DR. APPOINTMENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

or you will seriously regret it.

ALSO: got get some couples counseling if you are having arguments about stupid stuff like wearing a kilt. Trust me, there is something bigger going on if she's pissed about what you are wearing....so pay attention and go get help if you need it. Where's Ron from AZ to chime in here?!?

I would have gone today but my grandparents are in town and there's politics involved in that, she didn't have the ultrasound today though, her doctor was at a different office! Oy! I've suggested counseling before at our last little spat but we can't really afford the $70 an hour that my last therapist charged for individual counseling... I would need a much better paying job for that!

Personally I think she was just looking for an outlet for her stress, she's super emotional and gets worked up fairly easily so that may have had something to do with it. For now, I'm gonna give her some time to cool down, take her out for dinner and have a discussion about where we are and where we're going somewhere with lots of people to quell any outbursts... It'll be an overdue talk anyway.

[Dreadbelly]

Pregnant women are a bit like sweaty nitro. Handle with utmost care and do nothing to shake or otherwise disturb them.

[Warhoover]

Affirmative!! Hormones are way out of kilter. Like Dread said and I agree, worse than nitro. Been through that field excercise TWICE. I have seen some emotional pregnant women in my time, but my wife takes first place, no check that Grand Champion! As Dread eluded to your going to need to be extra careful. Believe me! Just be there for her. If she feels like venting let her. It may seem personal but just remember its the hormones talking. Her knowing that your there will help.

[solstice]

Affirmative!! Hormones are way out of kilter. Like Dread said and I agree, worse than nitro. Been through that field excercise TWICE. I have seen some emotional pregnant women in my time, but my wife takes first place, no check that Grand Champion! As Dread eluded to your going to need to be extra careful. Believe me! Just be there for her. If she feels like venting let her. It may seem personal but just remember its the hormones talking. Her knowing that your there will help.

Yeah. The more I think about it the more I believe that it's hormones. We had the discussion before she became with child so maybe hormones is the thing to blame.
Thanks everybody for your input, I'm going to take up a few of your suggestions, combine them with the dinner idea and see what happens. If anybody else wants to add anything go ahead, please!

[ozone]

Just listen to her. As a physician, I have had to learn how to listen to people. My very wonderful wife (a school psychologist), has given me a tid bit or two on listening through the years.

1. If you repeat back the gist of what she says before you come up with any comments, it lets her know that you heard her and it gives you time to avoid the foot-in-mouth disease we men are often afflicted with by making you think first before you respond

2. "what I hear you saying is..." is a good phrase-ology to consider when responding.

3. Try not to think of a response or "fix" half-way through her comment(s). If you pay attention, you will catch yourself 2 minutes ahead of the conversation because you heard her say something that set your brain thinking. Try to be aware of this and try not to do it. My first two points should help keep this I'm-a-guy-I-can-fix-this tendency at bay.

4. Watch her body language. Frowns, crossed arms, leaning away from you, etc. are possible cues that you are on shaky ground and need to listen and pay attention again.

5. Try to put your points in terms of "what can WE do about..." "how can WE work on...." "where are WE going to...." The "WE" phrase lets her know that you want to be in this (relationship, child-raising, etc) together. Avoiding blame-type phrases like "Well, you said..." is a very good idea.

6. The main thing is to really listen. If you have a good guy friend or girl friend who you can trust, try having a conversation with them and let them speak for 5-10 minutes. Then, as an exercise, try to remember what they were saying & repeat back to them what you heard them saying. It's surprising in conversations how often we are not actually listening.


7. Use your credit card for counseling for yourself if you dont have cash on hand, or have your family help you. The couple of hundred dollars you spend now can save you tens of thousands of dollars later. There are federal resources out there as well like the family visitor program. Ask your local hospital or womens' health clinic. There are also mental health counseling centers available and a situation like yours would make their day since they can deal with a normal person instead of the schizophrenic, drug addled regular customer.

[Riverkilt]

Some sound advice Ozone,

For sure counselors would LOVE to deal with something like this over the usual "stuff."

Ironically, during my late marriage my then wife got down on her knees and begged me to go to counseling. I refused. Our problems were no one else's business. Today, 30 years later, I are one of them marriage counselors...go figure.

Anyway, hope it works out and that she loves you more than she hates kilts.....no, no, no, DON'T say that to her.

Ron
Licensed Professional Counselor (Arizona)
A marriage counselor who didn't learn the trade until AFTER his divorce...

[solstice]

Just listen to her. As a physician, I have had to learn how to listen to people. My very wonderful wife (a school psychologist), has given me a tid bit or two on listening through the years.
1. If you repeat back the gist of what she says before you come up with any comments, it lets her know that you heard her and it gives you time to avoid the foot-in-mouth disease we men are often afflicted with by making you think first before you respond

That would work if she didn't throw so much out there in one go that it's hard to keep up with it all.

2. "what I hear you saying is..." is a good phrase-ology to consider when responding.

3. Try not to think of a response or "fix" half-way through her comment(s). If you pay attention, you will catch yourself 2 minutes ahead of the conversation because you heard her say something that set your brain thinking. Try to be aware of this and try not to do it. My first two points should help keep this I'm-a-guy-I-can-fix-this tendency at bay.

I'm guilty, no debate there, but this again goes with my last response, she talks and talks and talks and will bring up 2, 3, 4 topics in the same breath.

4. Watch her body language. Frowns, crossed arms, leaning away from you, etc. are possible cues that you are on shaky ground and need to listen and pay attention again.

It was a phone call when we were... arguing... the other day, so body language watching won't help there but I try to notice that sort of thing when I'm with her.

5. Try to put your points in terms of "what can WE do about..." "how can WE work on...." "where are WE going to...." The "WE" phrase lets her know that you want to be in this (relationship, child-raising, etc) together. Avoiding blame-type phrases like "Well, you said..." is a very good idea.

hmmm... makes sense... ok.

6. The main thing is to really listen. If you have a good guy friend or girl friend who you can trust, try having a conversation with them and let them speak for 5-10 minutes. Then, as an exercise, try to remember what they were saying & repeat back to them what you heard them saying. It's surprising in conversations how often we are not actually listening.

I used to be able to repeat verbatim what was said to me... i'm going to have to brush up on this skill...

7. Use your credit card for counseling for yourself if you dont have cash on hand, or have your family help you. The couple of hundred dollars you spend now can save you tens of thousands of dollars later. There are federal resources out there as well like the family visitor program. Ask your local hospital or womens' health clinic. There are also mental health counseling centers available and a situation like yours would make their day since they can deal with a normal person instead of the schizophrenic, drug addled regular customer.

What credit card, or credit for that matter... I might be able to get some help from family but I always hate asking for cash from them, even after I pay them back I sometimes get the "well I gave you ____, __ years ago/the other day/month/week..."
I'll see about googling some of the resources you listed, maybe I'll have a little luck on that front.

Thanks!

[Riverkilt]

Don't forget that local ministers might be willing to counsel you as a couple. Many are well trained and quite good.

And, no, not all insist you be members of their church....

Just another option.

This too will pass.

Ron

[Kid Cossack]

Well I think you should just say, "OK, you don't like the kilt, I'll go naked from now on."

(Please to note! This is a joke, this is only a joke, this is not intended to constitute actual advice, following this joking advice will doubtless lead to either your lady chopping you up into little bits or a long and earnest discussion with the sworn peace officers in your jurisdiction.)