Oh those pesky quips and querries....

[Blu (Ontario)]

We all know that it can sometimes be an edgey experience wearing a kilt out in public where it's not expected. However, our kilted sojourns can be less so, if we are prepared for the occasional bonehead remarks and silly questions that are inevitably encountered. With this in mind, I have decided to compile a short list of some common quips / queries that I've encountered, and possible retorts. You probably have experienced other scenarios or perhaps have alternate responses to what I've listed. I've found that the best retorts are those short, succinct, and decisive enough to throw the person off course. Responding with another question is good too. Given the international nature of this forum, the lot of us should be able to cover most situations one might encounter. Enough at least to compile and post an Xmarks article on the subject. Here's my list...

Q. Are you Scottish?
A. -Just the parts that need to be!
-Actually, I’m Conservative / Liberal / vegetarian / etc.
-Not yet... but I'm taking lessons!

Q. Why are you wearing a kilt? a skirt?
A. -I’m part of the entertainment!
-I wanted to see if you were paying attention.
-Family function. (Whatever that means.)

Q. Where’s your purse?
A. -I left it at the SARS clinic! *cough*
-In my weapons locker.

Q. Are you a true Scot?
A. -Is there any other kind?
-Sorry, I don’t wear “trues”!

Q. Are you regimental?
A. -No, I’m civilian.

Q. Nice Skirt!
A. -The morrons seem to think so!
-Sounds like you’re an authority!
-Nice uhhh..... pants / trousers. (To a woman)

Q. Where are your bagpipes?
A. -Same place as yours.
-Same place as your husbands.

Q. Are you playing pipes today?
A. -No, I’m judging.

Q. Do you play bagpipes?
A. -No, I play guitar / Blackjack etc.
-Sure, but I’m bluddy awful!

Q. So what bet did you lose?
A. -"Who has the sweatiest b@lls!"

Q. Hey, did you lose a bet?
A. -I won! The loser's wearing pants.

Q. Where's your pants?
A. -Where's your self control?
-In the trash like your manners!

So what little gems can you add to the list??

Have fun!
blu

[GMan]

Blu,

What classics

I particularly like the one about winning the bet.

[Dreadbelly]

Turn the bloody tables. Put them on the spot.

Wear a kilt. Walk up to random people. Ask question.

So uh, are those trousers?

How's it hanging... Er wait.

So tell me, what's it like to wear pants?

I see you and your spouse wear pants... Do you fight over who carries the purse?

Zippers... How quaint.

PETA says getting your weasel caught in a steel trap is a cruel and terrible thing. I would agree. How about you?

All jokes aside... I have reading a lot lately on "Yanks" and "Scotts." Let there be no division my brothers. The only Yanks I know are those that "yank" up a zipper every morning. Let us rise together to battle our common enemy.

[bubba]

Q. Are you Scottish?
A. No, but I'm sane anyway

Q. Why are you wearing a kilt? a skirt?
A. pants give me a rash
A. It's easier to moon politicians


Q. Where are your bagpipes?
A. At the police station. They confiscated them as an illegal weapon

[bear]

These are the retorts on I can post in this family forum.

Q. Hey! What's under your kilt?

Women only:
A. How much do you weigh?
A. What's your cup size?
A. Sorry honey, I'm taken.
A. Your man needs to control you better. (Dangerous!)
A. Don't you sass me, young man!

Men only:
A. Sorry, I'm not gay. (Say it politely, as if you're turning him down.)

Q. Are you Scottish?
A. Why? Do I look cheap?

[KhensU]

Blu, that list is great. I've been thinking of creating something like that for a while now. I agree that with our membership we should be able to create a good sized database of lines.

[Rob]

Here's one for all you guys with lots of kids.

Q. Hey! What's under your kilt?

A. My weapon of mass construction, and here are photos of all my kids to prove it.

Rob

[Freelander Sporrano]

An oldie but goody

"Whats uder your kilt ?"

An airbase "Two hangers and a Nightfighter"

[macwilkin]

I use this one frequently:

"Are you Scottish?"
"Actually, I'm looking for the Sons of Italy or the Polish-American Society meeting!"

"Are you a piper?"
"A true Scottish gentlemen knows how to play the pipes...and dosen't!"

"Do you play the bagpipes?"
"No, but I can play the CD player!"

"Is there anything worn under the kilt?"
"Last time my wife/girlfriend checked, everything was working fine!"

And, finally, this one is for taking the wind out of someone's sails, especially college-age men -- but use it sparingly:

"Nice skirt!"
"Yeah, your girlfriend thought so last night!"

Cheers!

T.

[Graham]

Some good answers there Blu, and those that followed, I've copied the ones I like to my palm - for handy reference.

So next time i get a remark I'll say "hang on.." turn Palm on, grab stylus, go to Notes/kilt notes/ scroll down the list, select....and read it out