Jokes that only work in Scotland

[wildrover]

> After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

> How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

> A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
> "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

> What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

> What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

> A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

>Woman walks into a bakers points to a cake and asks "Is that a donut or a meringue?". Baker replies "No, you're right missus".

Hilarious!

> A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
> "Govan," she replies.

> What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

> A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
> "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
> "That's affa deer," says the guy.

> Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

> What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

> What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

> While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
> "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
> "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
> "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Confusing.

> Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

Colorado too. "Yeah right" (or "yeah, right") can be used in either declarative or interrogative form, but is always sarcastic .

"Yeah right!"
"Yeah, right."
"Yeah, right?"

[haukehaien]

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Play on "aff a deer" (off a deer) and "affa dear" (very expensive)

> Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

Play on "awa' noo" (away now) and "a wa' noo" (a wall now)

[Mike_Oettle]

Okay, Tony, there are two that are a bit unclear to me – although I have no doubt my Glaswegian-born-and-raised colleague will clear things up.
I am guessing that Comfy is (aside from its obvious meaning, an abbreviated form of “comfortable?”) close to the Clydeside pronunciation of some local placename.
And there is no doubt a similar explanation to the Aviemore crack.
I printed these jokes out for a friend at the weekend and they just cracked him up, especially the one about the illegitimate insect.
Regards,
Mike

[Tony]

for wildrover and Mike:

> A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
> "Govan," she replies.

Comfy = short for comfortable and sounds like "Come fae" short for "Where do you come from?"


> What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

Because Wullie is a euphemism for the John Thomas, Siamese twins share one, Oor Wullie is a popular scottish newspaper cartoon.


> What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

Aviemore is a Scottish ski "resort". A doo is a pigeon.


> What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

Does it help if you know Bostik is a glue?



> While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
> "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
> "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
> "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Ah...the deepest one.
Traditionally shipyards and factories in Glasgow shut down for 2 weeks - around last 2 weeks in July. This time was known as "The Fair". If you couldn't get The Fair you'd have to take your summer vacation at an alternative time.



if something is lost in translation, and jokes lose their funniness when having to be explained, have I ruined these ones forever?

[Jack Daw]

for wildrover and Mike:

> A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
> "Govan," she replies.

Comfy = short for comfortable and sounds like "Come fae" short for "Where do you come from?"


> What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

Because Wullie is a euphemism for the John Thomas, Siamese twins share one, Oor Wullie is a popular scottish newspaper cartoon.


> What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

Aviemore is a Scottish ski "resort". A doo is a pigeon.


> What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

Does it help if you know Bostik is a glue?



> While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
> "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
> "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
> "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Ah...the deepest one.
Traditionally shipyards and factories in Glasgow shut down for 2 weeks - around last 2 weeks in July. This time was known as "The Fair". If you couldn't get The Fair you'd have to take your summer vacation at an alternative time.



if something is lost in translation, and jokes lose their funniness when having to be explained, have I ruined these ones forever?

They're still funny after explanation. Thanks.