From the League of the Moderators: Of Zeppelins, Monorails, and Chickens

[Panache]

Found amongst the ash in a fireplace in a residence in Chicago, Illinois by the new occupants of the house were a few fragments of what appear to be a transcription of a budget meeting for a group called “The League of the Moderators“. Based on the copious amount of ash in the hearth it appeared that a number of documents had been committed to fire to forever destroy what secrets they contained. Research revealed little about the previous tenant save that he was a tall kilted gentleman with a neatly trimmed beard. His neighbors said he often made trips East for some mysterious business he could never be compelled to speak of. He had left no forwarding address but it was commonly believed he had moved his family to Florida.

Apparently he had retired from whatever secret endeavor he had been engaged in. The night before the large moving vans came to removed his family’s possessions he built a huge fire in his home’s fireplace. He was observed from his window to take a great pile of official looking papers and put them to the flame.

These fragments shall be presented to this forum in the hopes that the esteemed membership of the forum may discern some meaning from them.






……………………………….......grinning at me from the behind the glass

highlandtide: Rufus walked into a mirror? It was only a matter of time before he read the second one!
We’ll just have to carry on without him until he returns. We shall call the role call complete. Mike you may proceed.

Mike1: The first order of business before the League of the Moderators is to review the Budget for the next fiscal year……………..



……............................Whisky needs……


.……………………………....................the shrimp go without saying……


…………..............new mop for Spasm………………


………...........................………….agreed……………..


………pest control? We have never had a rodent problem in the great hall of X Marks the Scot!


Panache: This is very important we….

……………..............flying squirrels and must defend ourselves........................………..evil forces……........................…..dangerous only hope is to……………….......................before it is too late


KiltedMusicLover: I think that’s a little far fetched……….

Colin: A bit paranoid

Panache: You don’t know how dangerous they……………….


highlandtide: Jamie you are doing a fine job but I think that you need a break. There are no evil flying squirrels in the Great Hall. We don’t need an exterminator. Look we all have fears, we all have stress, and these things can manifest themselves in some pretty intense ways. Sometimes it can make a person a little crazy. We know, we work with David. But the flying squirrels are all in your head.

Panache: If only you knew………………

………… …………. ………………………………


……………………………............….....the slithering scurrying flying squirrels whose scampering will never let me sleep; the daemon squirrels that glide through the halls and beckon me down to greater horrors than I have ever known; the flying squirrels they can never hear; the flying squirrels, the flying squirrels in the halls…

cajunscot: That’s it Jamie no more H.P.Lovecraft for you.

Colin: Shall we move on?

Mike1: OK the Whisky and Shrimp budget is approved which fulfills all aspects of standard operations. We will now entertain and consider options above and beyond these for items that will improve the efficiency of the League of the Moderators as well as enhance X Marks the Scot. (The KiltedMusicLover raises his hand) Yes Nelson?

KiltedMusicLover: (lowering his hand and passing a formal written request to Mike1) I present to the League of the Moderators a request for a sousaphone player…

highlandtide: Nelson at last count you have a full pipe band, a jazz quartet, an 80 piece symphony and a hurdy-gurdy player!

KiltedMusicLover: The brass section is weak, it isn’t holding it’s own with the strings. I’m sure another Sousaphone will fill it out nicely.

Colin: But last year you said you needed to hire another Viola player because the string section was weak!

KiltedMusicLover: Who has seniority here anyway!

Mike1: A very good point. Request Approved. Any other requests? (cajunscot raises his hand) Yes Todd?

Cajunscot: (handing his written request to Mike) I think our library would benefit from a few purchases. I have tracked down a diary from Brigadier General Fitchworth-Smythe Bennington IV (of the Western Lower East Anglia Benningtons) from 1812 which contains vital proof of the use of parakeet feathers as plumes in regimental dress glengarries which would provide the connection between the 542nd Highland brigade and the Australian Wombat incident of 1808. Furthermore…

Mike1: Approved!

cajunscot: Aren’t you interested in hearing about the rest?

Mike1: No, no, Todd please no.

cajunscot: Well I have also found a wonderful field manual from 1743 that illustrates…

Mike1: Approved!

cajunscot: How about an advertisement from 1689 for a play noting…

Mike1: Approved!

cajunscot: Hmmmph!

Mike1: Next!

Panache: (handing in his request) I think we need a Zeppelin!

Mike1: Don’t be daft! This isn’t about our personal fantasies.

cajunscot: I think we should have a Zeppelin too!

Mike1: Don’t be ridiculous! Why do we need a Zeppelin?

Panache: They are awfully nice. I have always been quite fond of Zeppelins.

cajunscot: They are really neat! Can you image us all flying about in our own airship...

Mike1: Don’t encourage him!

Freelander Sporrano: If it comes with bomb racks I’m in!

Colin: David what on earth would you do with a fully armed dirigible?

KiltedMusicLover: The mind boggles!

Mike1: Look Jamie. I can understand having dreams. We all have them. A few years ago David proposed and outrageously expensive plan for an underground monorail system. I told him then and there that it was a selfish, our budget was not for implementing one’s delusional world dominating schemes. It was for the betterment of the League of the Moderators and X Marks the Scot. He turned around and proposed reallocating that the same money to be spent on medical treatments for our retired butler.

highlandtide: How is Spasm’s father doing anyway?

Freelander Sporrano: Oh old “S” is quite frail. Here let me hand in my request for his continuing medical treatments.

Mike1: (reviewing request) Why on earth does the old fellow need 11 miles of monorail track and new boiler ?

Freelander Sporrano: Well it’s his prostrate and the doctors suggest that the only effective treatment is every morning to shove…

Mike1: APPROVED

(Freelander Sporrano whispers into Panache’s ear. Panache nods)

Panache: I propose that we see if we can get Spasm a brain transplant. It would be very expensive, almost as much as the cost of a Zeppelin but I think he deserves it.

Colin: You’ve got to be kidding! There is no such thing as a brain transplant. Even if there were it would be like getting an entirely new person instead of fixing the old one.

(Spasm, the League of the Moderator's aged butler totters unevenly into the room.)

Spasm: Spasm is sorry to interrupt the good Masters. But as you are all working on the budget and such Spasm is wondering if perhaps he might be allowed funds to purchase more chickens, this crop failed.

cajunscot: Exactly what do you mean failed? Chickens aren’t a crop, they are a flock! And you had two dozen of the things a week ago pecking away in the yard.

Spasm: Ah yes, the young masters like their fresh eggs they do. Spasm buys plump white hens so the young masters can enjoy fresh eggs with their breakfast. Spasm wanted to grow lots of eggs. So he planted the chickens in rich soil. Took a long time. They didn’t like to stay planted. But planted they were. Spasm has watered them everyday. But alas no eggs have sprouted. There is just bare dirt and a funny smell…

highlandtide: Thank you Spasm you can go

Mike1: Brain transplant Approved!








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