These are the retorts on I can post in this family forum.

Q. Hey! What's under your kilt?

Women only:
A. How much do you weigh?
A. What's your cup size?
A. Sorry honey, I'm taken.
A. Your man needs to control you better. (Dangerous!)
A. Don't you sass me, young man!

Men only:
A. Sorry, I'm not gay. (Say it politely, as if you're turning him down.)

Q. Are you Scottish?
A. Why? Do I look cheap?